Preparing for the Apocalypse

Holy Shit, Can you believe that 2012, "the year all the shit goes down", is just around the corner? Finally, we are going to find out if those mother fucking Mayans with their calender knew what the hell they were talking about. I have not been this excited since 1999, when we all thought our computers were going to go berserk and start believing that somehow the world had been been transported to the Victorian Era. But this time, I think the threat is a little bit more real. I mean, these are the mother fucking Mayans we are talking about, an ancient race of stargazers who seemed to know what they were doing when they portended that the world was going to hell in a hand basket sometime during the next winter solstice.

The fucking Mayans man. I don't care what Mel Gibson thinks of them, these were some wise ass mother fuckers who had  booby trapped pyramids, mass virgin sacrifices, and soccer matches that used actual human heads.How the hell could they be wrong about something like this?  And from what I read on the internet and in various books written by guys with psuedo scientific backgrounds, their is enough scientifical evidence to back these wise ass mother fuckers with their doomsday prophecies up.

Any Day Now...

-The Planet's Poles are going to Reverse, causing our lithosphere to suddenly shift, wreaking enough Havoc upon the Earth to give Roland Emmerich a raging hardon.

-A solar flare is going to knock out all of our electronic doodads, plunging us back into the 1940's which will prompt the North Koreans, who never left the 1940's, to attack and enslave the entire free world. Soon, the Earth's resources will be depleted as they attempt to carve the moon into the likeness of Kim Jong il.

-Machines will suddenly become "Aware" and after that, it will just be a matter of time before they start using cyborgs with Austrian accents to enslave humanity and turn them into batteries.

-Apes being used as modern slaves will suddenly make a evolutionary leap and decide to arm themselves and take the planet.  Their demand for Bananas will end up driving the Earth's ecosystem into chaos.

-Jesus finally makes his second showing and then promptly disappears again, leaving the world to fend for itself against the antichrist who turns out to be a famous Hollywood director/actor/producer known for his big budgeted movies that refuse to end. The world shall than plunge into a millennium of darkness under the dark rule of Kevin Costner.  God help us all.

-An radioactive asteroid the size Texas shall plunge to Earth and wipe out Texas. The world will rejoice, but this joy will be short lived as the the Texans come back as flesh hungry zombies. Texas BBQ will take on a new meaning as the zombie scourge spreads across the Earth.

These are just a few of many things that can and will happen as the year of doom draws ever closer so it is time to prepare my friends and get ready to survive the impending apocalypse, even if means killing and eating your neighbor's cat (trust me, it will eventually come to that). Thankfully, since I have been reading Dystopian Fiction for the past 20 or so years, I am more or less prepared to survive the coming months of trials and tribulations.

Here are a few things that I suggest doing as you prepare yourself for the world to be reborn in fire so that you might come out virtually unscathed and set about rebuilding civilizations.

-Water Wings and Helmets: Start wearing these wherever you go, just in case a stray earthquake or tsunami tries to take your ass out. "But BS, I live in Michigan," you might say,"Earthquakes and Tsunamis never happen here!" Bullshit, I say to you, read your Bible and Weekly World News. In these End Times Earthquakes can happen anywhere, especially with the lithosphere all out of whack. Also, Michigan is surrounded by water so if a Earthquake happens, rest assured the Great Lakes are going to to what they can to swallow you up. So, keep those water wings handy my friend.

-Throw away your smartphone: These things are of the Devil I tell you and are becoming way too smart. It will be only a matter of time before they become aware  and try to graft themselves to you in order to use your body as a battery. Toss those creepy talking iPhones in the fire before it is too late my friends.

-Learn to Speak Korean: self explanatory

-Stock up on Bananas: Having enough Bananas on hand will be the only way to keep the monkey overlords satisfied. Since Bananas go bad, if might be wise to get yourself a Banana tree.

-Watch the latest Kevin Costner movie: Keeping this man's film career may be the only way from keeping him from going into politics and turning into the antichrist. Of course, James Cameron might end up taking his place.

-Avoid Texas at all costs

These are just a number of things that you can do to survive the impending doom. Also having a super intelligent dog that you can communicate with telepathically is also helpful, but those kind of dogs are pretty hard to come by.  Just ask David Berkowitz.