One of the side effects with this love affair with my cable box is the fact that I am prone to commercial suggestion. This is especially true for Taco Bell and all those "As Seen On TV" products out there. Every time I see some product being hocked on late night television, I feel the sudden need to have that product.
For example, in betwixt bong rips I might exclaim shit like...
"Holy FuckBalls! Did you see how that Sham Towel thing soaked up that Pop! I could use something like that to soak up blood, urine, semen.and stuff."
"That Rubber in the Can Stuff looks sick! I could totally use it to make sure "the pit" is safely sealed from prying eyes or even make a suit out of it!"
"Cheesy Fuckin Rice, I could really use that whatumathinger that chops shit to itty bitty pieces. I wonder if it works on bone?"
Thankfully, I am generally taking bong hits ( don't judge, I have a documented medical condition) so I do not have the ambition to tell my smart phone to log unto the site so I might order this one thing that I just now so desperately need while they are still throwing in a second set plus a miracle cheese grater for just the price of shipping and handling. In fact, maybe I should change my "medical condition" to "chronic consumerism" because if it wasn't for those blessed bong hits, I would probably be up to my taint in crap that I purchased off of my beloved television set.
The fact that I am denied instant gratification also is huge factor as to why I only yearn for these got to have it new fangled products instead actually going through the trouble of ordering them. I am an American, dammit! When I want something, I want it yesterday, not in 3 to 4 weeks or however the fuck long it takes for those bastards to handle and ship my new awesome stuff to me.
Of course, the As Seen on TV people, they know this. They know there are proud and lazy Americans like me out there who do not want to wait. So they came up with the genius idea of putting up those displays up in stores, luring chronic consumers like me to it like a drunkard to a Roach Coach.
If I come across one of these displays, my need to peruse it for some some treasure that I have salivated over late in the night, is overwhelming. And if I happen to have a little extra scratch on me, I find myself walking out of the store, blissed to my balls that I got my hands on that one perfect thing that I so desperately needed that now is going to make my life oh so awesomesauce.
Of course,
Sometimes the Sauce does not turn out to be Awesome
The Snuggy, for example, says its one size fits all, but apparently big ass Scandinavian is not included in the "all" category. I had to leave the fricking cult because of that. I didn't even get a taste of the Kool Aid.
Also, the ShamWow towel failed turn piss into pop like I am certain the commercial claims. Sure, its soaks up all the urine that I left on floor just fine, but when I squeeze it into a glass, it is still just urine not delicious soda. If I was not too busy medicating with bong hits, I would totally consider suing them.
Still, some of the TV Shwag that I buy does turn out useful if not awesome
The Music Bullet Speaker does help me crank up the music when company is over though I wish I could remember to turn it off when I am playing umm , other stuff (by other stuff , I mean porn). I am sure the Topsy Turvy works great, If only I could manage to pull it out of the closet before October. The Furniture Fix also did turn my ratty old saggy coach into a ratty old couch but I had to buy three packs in order to cover the whole thing and now the thing no longer has that nice broken in feel.
Still Despite my bliss bubble getting slightly punctured, I still manage to find myself dreaming of the day I find that next gotta have it As Seen on TV item sitting on the store shelf. Right now I am thinking about that awesome gel filled ass cushion thing. My ass could really use something like that. I am hoping that any day now that it will show up. The manager told me that it usually takes around six months to get a As Seen On TV Product after you start seeing it on TV, so I just have to be patient and wait a little longer until I can receive that shot of bliss that comes from consuming like a true mother fucking American.
