AVATARD3D

Okay, So curiosity finally got the best of me....

With all of its Box Office Records and its shoe in as the Academy Award Winner (Yes it will win), I finally took out a small business loan and went to the movies to get all AVATARD3D in here.

Me and the GF had been resisting the James "king of the world" Cameron feature, finding the previews of poorly drawn blue people flying around on Pterodactyls just not our cup of coffee despite the promises of multiple orgasms via totally awesome 3d imagery.

I already knew Cameron to be bit of a one story line type of director ( see Kevin Costner) and figured the movie would be rife with horrible dialog, over simplified relationships between the characters, and awesome action sequences featuring aliens or robots, or both. Yet, most people that I talked to said it was worth the 15 bucks and and the cool graphics more than made up for the crap filled plot and dialog.

So anyways, we battled the wind and the rain, paid our small fortune, got our 3d shades and got ready to witness the juggernaut that is Avatar.

Waterlogged

"Well, that wasn't too awful," I said to myself at the urinal immediately following the movie. I think, however, that I was referring to the Cameron pee curse more than the movie. This curse last struck me 13 years ago during the premier of Titanic, where my desperate need to urinate totally ruined the whole sinking of the boat and the drowning of Leo. I still shudder when I think about the damage probably done to my kidneys that night. This time, I was smart enough to tinkle before the movie started, and sipped my coffee sparingly. The sprinkles still came just when the fight between the blue indians and white guys was really heating up, but I was able to hold on comfortably enough until the end credits.

Still, it wasn't too bad...

Okay, i must admit that the movie was not that bad. The 3d shit was pretty cool even if my fucking 3d glasses kept slipping off my own glasses (they really should make 3d goggle for people with glasses) . When I did get the glasses to sit right, the imagery was rich and actually popped out at you. I really liked how they got all the little pieces of crap to float around, making you feel like you were right in the midst of the action as the mean capitalists blew the crap out of the blue people ewok inspired tree home.

I also need to admit that the lithe blue chick kind of turned me on. With those high perky breasts and exposed midriff along with the sexy little cat tail, I can see why the hero wanted to take a little dip into the alien honey pot. Perhaps its a statement of my own weird kinks, but I will not be surprised when bootlegged 3d Na'Vi porn starts showing up in places I like to occasionally visit.

As time goes by...

However, the more I dwell on it, the more I just cannot get past all the negative aspects of this movie. Here is my list of the things I disliked...

1. The Cost
2. The Avatarded Plot
3. The Avatarded Dialog
4. The creepy smile that Sigourney Weaver's Avatar had
5. The story by committee way the world of Pandora was built
6. Unobtainium

While you can appreciate the effort Cameron put in to planning the world of Pandora down to the last floating tree spore, having input from so many experts on how an alien world should look, and how alien people should talk makes Pandora a bit discombobulated. It might have been better if only one visionary had a hand in its creation. The plot itself is a rip off of Dances with Wolves and the dialog is more awkward then getting stuck in a elevator with old Japanese Couple. If it was not for the cool graphics and the James Cameron stamp, this movie would be destined for the scrap heap.

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Beany's hurting

Poor Beany,

She is not looking to hot right now. Like she has just spent the last month snorting crystal meth and getting dp'ed by a pack Frat Boys. Her leaves are all droopy, brown and wrinkled, as if they belong in a 1970's era National Geographic magazine. Even her new growth is looking like crap.

I don't know what I did wrong...

She might have gotten cold, or perhaps the low humidity of the very un tropical bay area is fucking with her look. I tried taking a shower with her last night, letting her soak up the steamy heat as I washed my hair, scrubbed my back and touched myself as I cried gently beneath the steaming cascade of water that washed away my sticky tears.

This performance did nothing for her.

Perhaps it is more than just the cold dry winter...

There was that incident with the heater that damaged her on one side, forcing me to give her a little trim. After the trim, she seemed a bit lopsided, so I did a bit more trimming. All this cutting might of shocked her. I also may have been sprinkling her with too much of my self made fertilizer water (not a sexual innuendo, but a reference to bong water). I might of threw her PH off, and not I need to get her the plant equivalent of Vagisil. It also might be some sort of fungus.

It might be because, like OBGYN's during the Bush Administration, I might have "practiced my love" on beany a bit too much this winter. I have been giving her a lot of love in the form of steady light and waterings. Perhaps I need to lay off a bit and she will spring back.