Preparing for the Apocalypse

Holy Shit, Can you believe that 2012, "the year all the shit goes down", is just around the corner? Finally, we are going to find out if those mother fucking Mayans with their calender knew what the hell they were talking about. I have not been this excited since 1999, when we all thought our computers were going to go berserk and start believing that somehow the world had been been transported to the Victorian Era. But this time, I think the threat is a little bit more real. I mean, these are the mother fucking Mayans we are talking about, an ancient race of stargazers who seemed to know what they were doing when they portended that the world was going to hell in a hand basket sometime during the next winter solstice.

The fucking Mayans man. I don't care what Mel Gibson thinks of them, these were some wise ass mother fuckers who had  booby trapped pyramids, mass virgin sacrifices, and soccer matches that used actual human heads.How the hell could they be wrong about something like this?  And from what I read on the internet and in various books written by guys with psuedo scientific backgrounds, their is enough scientifical evidence to back these wise ass mother fuckers with their doomsday prophecies up.

Any Day Now...

-The Planet's Poles are going to Reverse, causing our lithosphere to suddenly shift, wreaking enough Havoc upon the Earth to give Roland Emmerich a raging hardon.

-A solar flare is going to knock out all of our electronic doodads, plunging us back into the 1940's which will prompt the North Koreans, who never left the 1940's, to attack and enslave the entire free world. Soon, the Earth's resources will be depleted as they attempt to carve the moon into the likeness of Kim Jong il.

-Machines will suddenly become "Aware" and after that, it will just be a matter of time before they start using cyborgs with Austrian accents to enslave humanity and turn them into batteries.

-Apes being used as modern slaves will suddenly make a evolutionary leap and decide to arm themselves and take the planet.  Their demand for Bananas will end up driving the Earth's ecosystem into chaos.

-Jesus finally makes his second showing and then promptly disappears again, leaving the world to fend for itself against the antichrist who turns out to be a famous Hollywood director/actor/producer known for his big budgeted movies that refuse to end. The world shall than plunge into a millennium of darkness under the dark rule of Kevin Costner.  God help us all.

-An radioactive asteroid the size Texas shall plunge to Earth and wipe out Texas. The world will rejoice, but this joy will be short lived as the the Texans come back as flesh hungry zombies. Texas BBQ will take on a new meaning as the zombie scourge spreads across the Earth.

These are just a few of many things that can and will happen as the year of doom draws ever closer so it is time to prepare my friends and get ready to survive the impending apocalypse, even if means killing and eating your neighbor's cat (trust me, it will eventually come to that). Thankfully, since I have been reading Dystopian Fiction for the past 20 or so years, I am more or less prepared to survive the coming months of trials and tribulations.

Here are a few things that I suggest doing as you prepare yourself for the world to be reborn in fire so that you might come out virtually unscathed and set about rebuilding civilizations.

-Water Wings and Helmets: Start wearing these wherever you go, just in case a stray earthquake or tsunami tries to take your ass out. "But BS, I live in Michigan," you might say,"Earthquakes and Tsunamis never happen here!" Bullshit, I say to you, read your Bible and Weekly World News. In these End Times Earthquakes can happen anywhere, especially with the lithosphere all out of whack. Also, Michigan is surrounded by water so if a Earthquake happens, rest assured the Great Lakes are going to to what they can to swallow you up. So, keep those water wings handy my friend.

-Throw away your smartphone: These things are of the Devil I tell you and are becoming way too smart. It will be only a matter of time before they become aware  and try to graft themselves to you in order to use your body as a battery. Toss those creepy talking iPhones in the fire before it is too late my friends.

-Learn to Speak Korean: self explanatory

-Stock up on Bananas: Having enough Bananas on hand will be the only way to keep the monkey overlords satisfied. Since Bananas go bad, if might be wise to get yourself a Banana tree.

-Watch the latest Kevin Costner movie: Keeping this man's film career may be the only way from keeping him from going into politics and turning into the antichrist. Of course, James Cameron might end up taking his place.

-Avoid Texas at all costs

These are just a number of things that you can do to survive the impending doom. Also having a super intelligent dog that you can communicate with telepathically is also helpful, but those kind of dogs are pretty hard to come by.  Just ask David Berkowitz.

Smart Ass Coffee

So, a few short weeks ago, I found myself in Los Angeles for my sisters wedding. Wanting to rack up as many Four Square points as humanely possible, I found myself checking at every taco truck and hipster bar in the Silver Lake area.  The cool thing about Four Square besides allowing your friends to stalk you is that when you "check in" somewhere it also shows you other businesses in the area. One such business that popped up as I was checking in at the local laundry mat Starbucks was a place called Intelligentsia Coffee a few miles up the Sunset Strip.

Intelligentsia...

Intelligentsia...

Intelligentsia...

The name rang a bell and not for the fact that it sounded like something a Russian Commandant would say through clenched teeth during yet another purge.

Intelligentsia.... Coffee

I knew that I had heard of them, but due to the lack of good fresh roast, the timing belt in the engine of my mind was in need of an adjustment. So I did what any red blooded American would do. I asked my smart phone (A Motorola Atrix Holla!) and was directed first to Wikipedia where I picked up my Russian joke and then to a company website geared toward hardcore coffee nerds like me.

It was then when I remembered where I heard that name before, I had watched a billion different videos on Vimeo that they had put out on how to brew the perfect cup of coffee, videos that my smartphone was more than happy to play for me again. "Hey", I thought to myself, "these motherfuckers are kind of famous, I should probably try to check this place out and collect even more Four Square points before I leave town." Good old smart phones and their applications, what the fuck did we do before they came along?

So that Sunday, the morning before my flight, I got up nice and early and headed out towards Silver Lake, my thumb ready and waiting on my map app so that I might not get lost heading down Sunset. I bit of a walk and a short bus ride later, I was there ready to collect my "First Time" Bonus points and taste the sweet nectar of Araby that these uber smart coffee alchemists are supposedly capable of brewing via a ceramic pourover.

I must say that the Kenyan Coffee that I paid six bucks for was superb, leagues ahead of the Laundromat coffee and they did seem to take great care in brewing up the perfect single serving cup of coffee. But, it was not anything better than what I could brew at home using my own fresh roasted beans and my trusty Chemex. Also, it was six bucks, which is probably chicken scratch in a city like L.A., but a small fortune to a Midwesterner like me, especially when you consider fact that my own home brew costs me about fifty cents a cup, if that.

Despite their City Slicker Prices, I am still glad I checked out Intelligentsia in Silver Lake. After a few weeks of drinking cafe coffee (I have been to busy to roast) it helped remind me how good fresh roast is. Also, I totally got the highest score ever on Four Square. Ahh, Social Media Apps... How the fuck did we know what are friends were up to before they came along?

Ranting

Dear Ass Munch,

The douchebag sitting in front of me on the 737. Yeah you, you squat hairy middle aged neanderthal. Thank you for crushing the shit out of my legs the whole way to Atlanta. That was really swell of you. I was just thinking as I was getting the ride to the airport that my legs could use a good crushing and made my dreams come true at 35,000 feet.

I know, it was not enough that you had the fire exit seat which gave your stubby little gorilla legs ample room. No, given the important role that you might have had to play in the event of an emergency, you figured that you had the mother fucking right to really stretch out and make yourself comfortable on the crowded flying bus. Never mind me asking if you could resist leaning back on the account that I am a big ass Scandinavian not built for the teeny tiny seats that can be found on most airlines, I am but mere hoi polloi sitting here in the seat that is not an emergency exit aisle seat. Good for you for stretching out the entire way. The mind numbing pain and annoyance of your seat slapping down on my knees every time you plopped down after draining your hypertonic bladder actually helped take my mind off all that turbulence we experienced while flying over Albuquerque.

So thank you shit head. Thank you.for making this plane ride a memorable experience.

At least your legs crushing gymnastic maneuvers were only mildly annoying when compared to the overt conversationalists sitting behind me on my next flight. I know, riding on the plane is exciting.You get to sit next to total strangers for several hours, get to to know them a little bit and then never see them again.Riding a plane is also scary. Why not stop at the bar and put a few screwdrivers down your gullet before take off? It's not that you are an alcoholic, you are just a nervous flyer right? And I eat chocolate for its potential health benefits. We all may die any second and you are probably not going to remember any of this anyway, so why not give your new bestest friend that you just met and the rest of the passengers sitting next to you a loud narrative on how you managed to lose 35 pounds over the summer eating nothing but cantaloupe. Who gives a shit. Okay maybe your new best friend does. After all, he is a dancer.

But then again, I need to thank you too. You did provide an opening to get to know the cute girl sitting next to me a little bit better. She was already making it hard for me to concentrate on my book more than your annoying voice anyway, and when she looked at me rolled her eyes and smirked during one particular brutal part of your dialogue, we ended up sharing a moment. Then the plane landed, and we went our separate ways probably never to see each other again.

 Ce'st la Vie

Costumer Service

The most popular costumes I have seen this holiday season have been The Black Swan and The Joker from the Dark Knight. Now, the Black Swan I can understand. That movie came out just last Christmas which makes it somewhat relevant. But the Joker? Isn't that a bit dated guys? Sure Heath Ledger's run in with a bottle of pills right after the filming of this pivotal role made this character a bit of an icon, but is it really relevant for dudes to be still emulating him almost four years since the movie came out?

Come On

While Heath Ledger did a great job in the movie and probably deserved the Oscar, his joker is, in my opinion, not any more iconic than Jack Nicholson's or Cesar Romero's take on everyone's second favorite demented clown (Ronald being number one). What my theory is, is that this guys walking around dressed as Joker, thought they did such a great bang up job at it in 2008, they figured they might as well keep at it for the next three years or however long before their demented clown makeup stash wears out.

To me, that is just plain creative laziness.

That would be like me dressing up like Micheal Moore every year just because I happen to kind of sort of look like him anyway.

I admit, that I am not the type that starts planning my Halloween costume in January, but I always make an effort to go as something different every Halloween. Even if it is through together at the last minute with card board, duct tape and various items around the house. At least it is something new and not the same old retreaded idea.

Take note all you bitches who plan on donning that swan outfit again next year. You will be hearing snarky remarks from the guy who should have just come dressed up like Micheal Moore.

Celebrity Crushes

This is my latest celebrity crush...

Her name is Emilia Clarke and she play Daenerys Targaryen on HBO's Game of Thrones. Her character comes from a long lineage of dragon people or something making her impervious to fire and also always looking for an excuse to walk around naked.

She is one hot blond...

In real life she is a brunette, but for some reason, the freaky looking blonde hair and silver eyebrows are what do it for me. Do not get me wrong, I have nothing against brunettes. In fact, I have my fair share of raven haired celebrity crushes.

For Example...

And...

Not to mention...

Dang, come to think of it, there are a butt load of hot ass brunette celebrities out there that I be crushing on. Still for some reason, dark haired Emilia does not quite do it for me but the character she plays, the golden haired Daenerys most certainly does. There is something about her transformation into this princess from an alien world where summers last decades and winters can last a lifetime that really turns my crank.

Oh yeah, there is also the thing about the dragons...

You see, in the last episode of season one (Spoiler Alert for you chumps who can't swing three free months of HBO) cute little Daenerys launches herself onto her barbarian husband's funeral pyre along with her three ancient dragon eggs. The next day she emerges from the ashes unscathed along with three fire breathing baby dragons. 

This magical transformation through fire cannot help but remind of what happens to a coffee bean when you place it over heat. It transforms itself from an inert lifeless bean into a fragrant powerful force capable of getting you out of bed in the morning and off the couch in the evening. Just like how this hot blond who turns my crank needed to unlock this power of transmutation by walking into the funeral pyre, humankind had to discover coffee by dropping beans into the fire. 

OMG...

Its so obvious now... 

Its not the blond hair, the nice English titties, or even the kick ass baby dragons that makes me want this girl so bad. 

Its because she reminds me so much of my one true love...

Fuck Buddies

Whirly Pop Magic

I swear to god, give me a lighter and an old tin can and I will figure out a way to roast coffee beans with it. Still hiding out at my friends house after the debacle in Mexico and the recent video that surfaced  of me  and Maria Conchita Alonso in full on BDSM fetish ware, I have been riding the storm out roasting up my friends huge back log of green coffee beans using nothing but a gas stove,a modified whirly pop popcorn maker with an attached thermometer, a heavy duty skillet, and a couple of well placed fans.

While using the old fashioned stove top whirly pop can be seen as roughing it in this new era of home coffee roasting, after getting several dozen batches under my belt, I find that roasting with this rather simple tools is a lot like driving a stick shift. Sure, its hard to talk on the phone or play with the radio while you are doing it, but you also have more hands on control over your roast.

Since I am the one doing the stirring and adjusting the heat, I have much more control over the outcome of the roast than what I had with my Behmor or Nesco Air Popper. If the roast feels like it is getting away from me, for example, I can dial down the heat and stir the beans faster to help stall the second crack, or if the beans simple refuse to start popping, I can crank up the heat and force those babies to crack. While the buttons and settings on the Behmor also give you some control, it is still all guess work until you dial in your roast. With the Behmor, once you start the drum rolling, the only thing that you can do is add time or hit cool if the roast gets away from you, you have no control over the temperature, and if run out of time, tough luck. Maria Conchita Alanso was exactly the same way.

Preheating

The first batch I roasted in the Whirly, I had dumped in the beans before the drum got heated up and wound up having to turn the crank for nearly an half hour before my beans were finished. It probably did not help that I dumped in a shit load of bean as well. After that first batch, I learned that letting the popper heat up to 350 degrees before dumping a slightly smaller load of beans (9 to 10 oz)  into it cuts the roast time almost in half to a brisk 13 to 15 minutes, with the first cracks starting at around the 9 minute mark and rolling cracks around the 11 minute mark. This certainly is going to help prevent Carpal Tunnel Syndrome down the road.

Getting away on me

While this preheating trick is a time saver, I found that too hot of a starting temperature can end up having your greens beans transmutate a bit too quickly. For instance, the other day I roasted up a batch of some 2009 Tanzanian Blackburn Estate that my friend had decided to keep around. I had let the popper preheat to 400 degrees before dumping which turned out to be a bit too much for this older batch of beans. The popping started way to early and I had to quickly dial down to maintain control. Fortunately, it was easy to do with the  Stove Top Whirly Pop and I managed to salvage the beans, dumping them in the skillet and cooling them off just as they hit the second crack.

The roast turned out okay, but not as good as it was back in the days. While green beans have a much longer shelf life than roasted beans, they are still not Twinkies. So my advice to all you hoarders out there: roast that shit. They will grow more.

Popcorn

Due to a complete misunderstanding involving a Tijuana Transgendered Hooker and a Mule, I have lying low at a friend’s house until things blow over and Univision finds some other story to follow. I had not planned far enough ahead to pack my Behmor Roaster, but thankfully my friend is a fellow coffee roasting enthusiast. Upon my arrival he presented me with a cooler full of beans that he never got around to roasting along with an old Whirly Pop Stovetop popcorn machine.

“Here, this shit will keep you out of trouble,” He said, “And maybe help payoff the bribe money I had to give to those crooked Tijuana Cops.”

I tried to tell that I had been set up that the whole thing had been the mule’s idea, but he did not really want to hear it. He did not care. All he knew was that I owed him big time and I was going to have to work it off by roasting up an assload of coffee beans with a Whirly Pop.

Talk about low tech

.

This method of roasting beans is as primitive as you can get. No fancy ass roasting cycles, no automatic cool downs, no chaff collectors, no catalytic converters. No nothing. Just something to cook the beans in along with a little crank you need to constantly turn in order to keep the roast even. The only luxury that was afforded was a candy thermometer that my friend had managed to rig to it using a drill and a few well placed pieces of tinfoil.

“So get to roasting!” He demanded.

After drinking some of the swill that passed for coffee around the area, I understood my friend’s desperate circumstances. Even though the stash was almost two years old, it was still going to taste a lot fresher than the crap that was passing for coffees from the local Beanery. My own Fresh Roast  stash had run out too, so I was starting to get the itch.

Also, I was kind of curious what sort of roasts this rather primitive contraption was capable of putting out.

So I spent some time figuring out the exhaust, than began picking out the beans. I decided on a mix of Rwandan and Yemen beans for a Moka-Java like blend to start off with.  There was about 4oz left of each bean, so the expected yield was around 8 oz, enough to keep me in my friend rolling in beans for a day or two. I let the Whirly Pop warm up for a few minutes and then dumped the beans in and began to crank. I kept the flame at medium and began to crank. 24 minutes and a sore wrist later the roast was done. One of the beans took longer to crack than the other so the roast was uneven, but it was still okay.

Shit, it was still better than anything found on the outside.     

look behind you part one

look behind you part 2