Smart Ass Coffee

So, a few short weeks ago, I found myself in Los Angeles for my sisters wedding. Wanting to rack up as many Four Square points as humanely possible, I found myself checking at every taco truck and hipster bar in the Silver Lake area.  The cool thing about Four Square besides allowing your friends to stalk you is that when you "check in" somewhere it also shows you other businesses in the area. One such business that popped up as I was checking in at the local laundry mat Starbucks was a place called Intelligentsia Coffee a few miles up the Sunset Strip.

Intelligentsia...

Intelligentsia...

Intelligentsia...

The name rang a bell and not for the fact that it sounded like something a Russian Commandant would say through clenched teeth during yet another purge.

Intelligentsia.... Coffee

I knew that I had heard of them, but due to the lack of good fresh roast, the timing belt in the engine of my mind was in need of an adjustment. So I did what any red blooded American would do. I asked my smart phone (A Motorola Atrix Holla!) and was directed first to Wikipedia where I picked up my Russian joke and then to a company website geared toward hardcore coffee nerds like me.

It was then when I remembered where I heard that name before, I had watched a billion different videos on Vimeo that they had put out on how to brew the perfect cup of coffee, videos that my smartphone was more than happy to play for me again. "Hey", I thought to myself, "these motherfuckers are kind of famous, I should probably try to check this place out and collect even more Four Square points before I leave town." Good old smart phones and their applications, what the fuck did we do before they came along?

So that Sunday, the morning before my flight, I got up nice and early and headed out towards Silver Lake, my thumb ready and waiting on my map app so that I might not get lost heading down Sunset. I bit of a walk and a short bus ride later, I was there ready to collect my "First Time" Bonus points and taste the sweet nectar of Araby that these uber smart coffee alchemists are supposedly capable of brewing via a ceramic pourover.

I must say that the Kenyan Coffee that I paid six bucks for was superb, leagues ahead of the Laundromat coffee and they did seem to take great care in brewing up the perfect single serving cup of coffee. But, it was not anything better than what I could brew at home using my own fresh roasted beans and my trusty Chemex. Also, it was six bucks, which is probably chicken scratch in a city like L.A., but a small fortune to a Midwesterner like me, especially when you consider fact that my own home brew costs me about fifty cents a cup, if that.

Despite their City Slicker Prices, I am still glad I checked out Intelligentsia in Silver Lake. After a few weeks of drinking cafe coffee (I have been to busy to roast) it helped remind me how good fresh roast is. Also, I totally got the highest score ever on Four Square. Ahh, Social Media Apps... How the fuck did we know what are friends were up to before they came along?

Ranting

Dear Ass Munch,

The douchebag sitting in front of me on the 737. Yeah you, you squat hairy middle aged neanderthal. Thank you for crushing the shit out of my legs the whole way to Atlanta. That was really swell of you. I was just thinking as I was getting the ride to the airport that my legs could use a good crushing and made my dreams come true at 35,000 feet.

I know, it was not enough that you had the fire exit seat which gave your stubby little gorilla legs ample room. No, given the important role that you might have had to play in the event of an emergency, you figured that you had the mother fucking right to really stretch out and make yourself comfortable on the crowded flying bus. Never mind me asking if you could resist leaning back on the account that I am a big ass Scandinavian not built for the teeny tiny seats that can be found on most airlines, I am but mere hoi polloi sitting here in the seat that is not an emergency exit aisle seat. Good for you for stretching out the entire way. The mind numbing pain and annoyance of your seat slapping down on my knees every time you plopped down after draining your hypertonic bladder actually helped take my mind off all that turbulence we experienced while flying over Albuquerque.

So thank you shit head. Thank you.for making this plane ride a memorable experience.

At least your legs crushing gymnastic maneuvers were only mildly annoying when compared to the overt conversationalists sitting behind me on my next flight. I know, riding on the plane is exciting.You get to sit next to total strangers for several hours, get to to know them a little bit and then never see them again.Riding a plane is also scary. Why not stop at the bar and put a few screwdrivers down your gullet before take off? It's not that you are an alcoholic, you are just a nervous flyer right? And I eat chocolate for its potential health benefits. We all may die any second and you are probably not going to remember any of this anyway, so why not give your new bestest friend that you just met and the rest of the passengers sitting next to you a loud narrative on how you managed to lose 35 pounds over the summer eating nothing but cantaloupe. Who gives a shit. Okay maybe your new best friend does. After all, he is a dancer.

But then again, I need to thank you too. You did provide an opening to get to know the cute girl sitting next to me a little bit better. She was already making it hard for me to concentrate on my book more than your annoying voice anyway, and when she looked at me rolled her eyes and smirked during one particular brutal part of your dialogue, we ended up sharing a moment. Then the plane landed, and we went our separate ways probably never to see each other again.

 Ce'st la Vie