Organic fruits and veggies waiting to be gobbled

Rat Killer

I  killed a rat the other day. I am not proud of it, but it was something that needed o be done. The poor fucker had wondered into my back porch during that last big storm. In my haste to get out of the deluge, I failed to shut the back door correctly and it had swung open so I could not blame the guy for seeking shelter. Hell, I am a bit surprised that I did not find a multitude of squirrels, ground hogs and rabbits in there too. These critters would have most likely left after the storm, however, the rat being a rat found the multitude of empties and assorted clutter as a perfect new home and decided it was going to stay.

This is my fault too. I have been back in The Mitten for two years now and I still have not returned a single ten cent deposit. That ten cents adds up so I cannot bring myself to simply throw them away but, then again, I also can't seem to bring myself to haul them back to the store and get my deposit back. So instead, they pile up in my back porch, along with other useless shit that tends to accumulate in back porches thus making it a perfect place for a big old river rat to hide out.

The thing was pretty fucking big too. Big enough to give my dog  run for his money, which was one of the main reasons why I had to finally do the deed. My little turd for a dog might have tried to make friends with the thing and gotten bitten and I really do not need that to happen. Sure, my dog can get pretty vicious with his stuffed animals, but a living, squealing, biting and fighting creature with claws teeth is a whole other story. And, even if my little terrier did manage to kill the thing, I really do not want him to get that kind of blood lust. It is bad enough that he engorges himself on the stuffing of his toys, I can imagine what would happen if he got the taste of some rat guts.

That is all I need is for my dog to turn into some psycho bloody thirsty monster rat killer. 

Walking him is hard enough as it is. 

So, back to the rat...

For all you overly liberal goody goodies, in my defense, I did my best to encourage the rat to leave on its own, but the thing was simply intent on living off of the accumulated trash in my back porch. I even left a trail of organic bread crumbs leading out the door and then waited to see if I could chase back out into the wild. The little fucker was too clever for that simply slinking out to grab the crumbs before skirting back before I could leap out from behind the kitchen door  to scare it away.

Then, after spending the day thinking about other ways to trick this feral creature into leaving, I decided to get proactive and actually clean out my porch, hoping to maybe root the thing out that way. First, I took out my garbage can, which is were I first encountered the creature, snacking on some burrito leavings. Then, I started taking out all the returns and piling them outside. The pile got pretty high and looking at all the beer bottles made me thirsty, so I then cracked open a cold one and continued working letting the beer help numb me for what was about to come next.

As, I was removing the bottles, I could hear the scurrying about as the rat dug itself deeper and deeper into the accumulated jetsam.Finally, I caught site of a tail behind a milk crate full of old newspapers and I simply reacted, whacking the crate as hard as I could with a curtain rod. I didn't scream any sort of war cry from my primordial viking depths, I simply swung and soon enough that was that. I did drop a sledge hammer on the thing, just to make sure.

Afterward, after burying it in a makeshift grave out back, I felt a little sad that I had to resort to such violence. Perhaps, I could of found  way to humanely remove the vermin. Perhaps, but what is done is done and there is no going back. I do think it is high time I cleaned my back porch and fix my door so that it shuts properly.

As Seen On TV! Sucker

I like TV. No, I Love TV. Always have and there is nothing wrong with it. If it wasn't for all these stupid laws, I would even marry my TV. We are already domestic partners of sorts, sleeping in the same room together, sharing our NFL Sunday Mornings and Nights (TWD, GOT), making plans for Wednesday nights (that's when The Americans is on). We should at least qualify for some civil union of sorts. 

 One of the side effects with this love affair with my cable box is the fact that I am prone to commercial suggestion. This is especially true for Taco Bell and all those "As Seen On TV" products out there. Every time I see some product being hocked on late night television, I feel the sudden need to have that product. 

For example, in betwixt bong rips I might exclaim shit like...

"Holy FuckBalls! Did you see how that Sham Towel thing soaked up that Pop! I could use something like that to soak up blood, urine, semen.and stuff."

"That Rubber in the Can Stuff looks sick! I could totally use it to make sure "the pit" is safely sealed from prying eyes or even make a suit out of it!"

"Cheesy Fuckin Rice, I could really use that whatumathinger that chops shit to itty bitty pieces. I wonder if it works on bone?"

Thankfully, I am generally taking bong hits ( don't judge, I have a documented medical condition) so I do not have the ambition to tell my smart phone to log unto the site so I might order this one thing that I just now so desperately need while they are still throwing in a second set plus a miracle cheese grater for just the price of shipping and handling.  In fact, maybe I should change my "medical condition" to "chronic consumerism" because if it wasn't for those blessed bong hits, I would probably be up to my taint in crap that I purchased off of my beloved television set. 

The fact that I am denied instant gratification also is huge factor as to why I only yearn for these got to have it new fangled products instead actually going through the trouble of ordering them. I am an American, dammit! When I want something, I want it yesterday, not in 3 to 4 weeks or however the fuck long it takes for those bastards to handle and ship my new awesome stuff to me. 

Of course, the As Seen on TV people, they know this. They know there are proud and lazy Americans like me out there who do not want to wait. So they came up with the genius idea of putting up those displays up in stores, luring chronic consumers like me to it like a drunkard to a Roach Coach. 

If I come across one of these displays, my need to peruse it for some some treasure that I have salivated over late in the night, is overwhelming. And if I happen to have a little extra scratch on me, I find myself walking out of the store, blissed to my balls that I got my hands on that one perfect thing that I so desperately needed that now is going to make my life oh so awesomesauce. 

Of course,

Sometimes the Sauce does not turn out to be Awesome

The Snuggy, for example, says its one size fits all, but apparently big ass Scandinavian is not included in the "all" category. I had to leave the fricking cult because of that. I didn't even get a taste of the Kool Aid. 

Also, the ShamWow towel failed turn piss into pop like I am certain the commercial claims. Sure, its soaks up all the urine that I left on floor just fine, but when I squeeze it into a glass, it is still just urine not delicious soda. If I was not too busy medicating with bong hits, I would totally consider suing them. 

Still, some of the TV Shwag that I buy does turn out useful if not awesome

The Music Bullet Speaker does help me crank up the music when company is over though I wish I could remember to turn it off when I am playing umm , other stuff (by other stuff , I mean porn). I am sure the Topsy Turvy works great, If only I could manage to pull it out of the closet before October. The Furniture Fix also  did turn my ratty old saggy coach into a ratty old couch but I had to buy three packs in order to cover the whole thing and now the thing no longer has that nice broken in feel. 

Still Despite my bliss bubble getting slightly punctured, I still manage to find myself dreaming of the day I find that next gotta have it As Seen on TV item sitting on the store shelf. Right now I am thinking about that awesome gel filled ass cushion thing. My ass could really use something like that. I am hoping that any day now that it will show up. The manager told me that it usually takes around six months to get a As Seen On TV Product after you start seeing it on TV, so I just have to be patient and wait a little longer until I can receive that shot of bliss that comes from consuming like a true mother fucking American. 

    

 

Jesus loves the NRA

Somewhere by the dead Sea

Archaeologists poking around in the Desert have recently uncovered a hidden cache of ancient scrolls that  appears to contain yet another Lost Gospel excluded from the official canon which depicts the son of God in a completely different light. The Book of Jebidiah is said to contain previously unknown sermons by J.C. which are complete departures from his typical hippy dippy banter of "turning the other cheek" and "doing unto others". 

"This is Thine Boomstick"

While its translation is still being debated, it is believed that the Lost Book of Jebidiah tells a fanciful tale of the Sandal Wearing Holy Man conjuring up a mystical weapon that is eerily similar to a modern day assault rifle in order to drive off thieves and tax collectors from a lucrative water to wine making business that he started up with a several of his disciples in order to help support his ministry. 

"I knew it!" declares Bobby Bob Robertson, President of the Jesus Loving Gun Owners Association, " I knew our Lord and Savior was for gun owner rights. I knew he wasn't just about healing the sick, feeding the poor, giving up his life for others and the rest of that commie sounding bullshit that the left wing likes to talk about. The book of Jebidiah proves that my Lord did have a pair of balls and did not like the Romans or the Jews for that matter tramping all over his 2nd Amendment rights. Yee Hah!" 

Jesus has yet to release a statement about the latest discovery.   

Pressing matters

Sure, it looks more like Male Enhancement Tool from Scandinavia, but this strange looking device can make one mean ass cup of Americano. While I might not agree with the "best coffee maker I've ever owned" title (that still belongs to the Chemex), I have actually been having a whole lot of fun with this new Aeropress that I just picked up from World Market.  

How it works

The Aeropress is sort of a crossbreed using both infusion and high pressure to make brew a unique version of the World's favorite drink. First you add hot water to a few scoops of finely ground coffee in the chamber, stir it for a few seconds and then you force it out the filtered bottom into the cup, resulting in an espresso shot that is worthy of any wannabe barista. 

America No 

Due to this wintry weather that does not want to go away, I have been on a real espresso kick lately and this device is earning its keep by keeping me properly jazzed. By adding hot water to the resulting brew, I have been imbibing in some pretty hefty Americanos that help me take my mind off the fact that Phil the Groundhog is a one lying SOB. 

                                                                   

I am currently drinking  a double shot Americano of Aged Sumatra Aceh (from Sweet Marias) that I roasted up last Friday. It tastes better than it did yesterday and will probably have me wishing I let it sit a little longer when  finish up the rest of it tomorrow.

 I also bought a can of Lavazza Italian coffee to try with it and found it surprisingly good for canned coffee. The little circular filters that fit into the screw on base of the coffee maker seem be of the same quality of the Chemex filters, helping to smooth out the coffee by filtering out some of the more bitter elements. 

Price

My new toy cost me about 40 bucks and came with a good supply of filters which I can hopefully find when I run out. Sure, I could have probably gotten it cheaper online, but it was an impulse buy and probably would not thought of getting it if I did not happen to run into it at the World Market. And no, I was not in there looking for Scandinavian Male Enhancement Tools.   

Not so fresh roast

Sipping on some breakfast brew from a bag of beans I bought from the health food store. Despite reaching as far back as possible in the shelf to get a bag with the furthest "sell by" date, I still got some stale ass coffee.  Makes me wonder when it was roasted and what it would taste like in 2014 when it finally deemed expired. Time to take a virtual trip to Sweet Maria's.

Gun control

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