Fire in the hole

So the other month I decided to go a little crazy and roast up a a full pound of Maui Red Catuai and Brazilian Mogiana (what I call my Maui Mogiana Blend) in my trusty old Behmor. I had roasted up a full pound of beans in my Behmor before, but this one was special. Mainly because I managed to set my machine on fire.

I do not know if it was because I had just a smidgen over 16 oz in the roaster if I just happened to let this beast of a blend coast on P3 a little too long (23:30) or if there was just a build up of crud inside the machine. All I know is, that I noticed a dark haze hovering over my Behmor and when I went in for a closer look, I saw sparks.

I probably would have ignored all this, if my Landlord had not recently installed a new smoke alarm that went off and forced me to look at what was going on. Of course, the Behmor has the tendency to set off smoke alarms all the time (which is why I always pull the battery out of them.) But since, this one was new, the battery was still attached, and it went off like the dickens ans when I went to wank the battery to shut it up, that when I noticed all the smoke and said to myself "now that doesn't look right."

Thankfully, I remembered my training from Behmor Boot camp and did the right thing. I immediately unplugged the machine (it was on the cooling cycle anyway) and hauled it outdoors so that all my neighbors might be able to smell what burnt Maui Mogiana is all about. Thanks to my overly callused hands that can handle hot metal things, I was actually able to save the beans which were with sizzling and popping within the wire drum. I got them out and poured them into one of those big silver bowls that you use for salads and such. I then transferred them to another bowl and them finally to a big wok, where I stirred them with a wooden spoon, like a saw a lady doing in one of the pics on the Sweet Marias Website.

The coffee actually turned out to be pretty good, a nice full, full city which makes me suspect that the whole incident was a chaff fire.

On a separate note, the maui mogiana blend really makes me pee a lot. Something I found out when I went to watch 2012. Thankfully i did not miss any important plot points the 4 or 5 times I had to get up and go pee.

coffee and your sex drive

Super Mario, the face of Nintendo recently reported that he uses coffee to keep things on the up and up between him and the Princess.

"Ima Super Mar-io, I am da best!"

Super Mario exclaimed after he revealed that he has been using coffee bean e to help him deal with his occasional bouts of erectile dysfunction. Recent research into coffee as revealed that people who drink more coffee are hornier than those who do not. This clinical study was performed both of geriatric lab animals as well as actual live senior citizens. Upon dissection, it was revealed that testosterone levels had increased after being injected with an official Starbucks espresso syringe. Field studies also indicate that granpas who drink coffee shag more grannies. This field study also lead to the development of the Grannysgettingiton.com.

"oh thank you Mario." Was the Princess' reaction after finding out that the famous monster stomping plumber was using coffee to help lil Mario stay erect.

Coffee related tooth decay

Tis the season to cash in on my dental benefits and get as much dental work as I can stand before the end of the year. So, I squeezed in a cleaning the other day and spent a morning getting my teeth washed with a high pressure water gun or something like that.

I should stuck to two cups of the Mogiana Maui Blend that i was testing out, but dentists make me nervous and I drank the whole giant load that I had made in my Chemex that morning. Something about the drone of the drill triggered something down there and I found myself running to the bathroom several times during the process.

This spurred me to ask the dental hygenist if coffee was bad for your teeth.

"NO" she said as she lowered her weilder's mask and climbed into my mouth.

"But," She continued, " It does cause bad breath, and stains your teeth."

With my mouth full of dentists and their blunt instruments, I could only roll my eyes in relief.

I was prepared to get dentures though

What i look like before my pot of coffee in the morning!

Happy Halloween!

Charly Freedom Coffee Chronicles

In the late Twentieth Century( About ten years Before Charly) Coffee drinking grew more wide spread, especially on the west coast and Hawaii where it was already tolerated to some degree. Gone were the days of Nixon and the counter culture and the government no longer felt the need to suppress the coffee drinking anti-disestablishment types like it had during those turbulent times.

It was now the Clinton Era, and soon many states began to take steps toward legalization. Our northern neighbor had already justified its use for medicinal purposes, sighting its remarkable ability to clear the mind and even ease headaches. Research out of Scandinavia also showed that drinking it might even help with certain types of bowel cancer. Basement Coffee shops soon began to spring up all over the Bay Area as smugglers did what they could to sneak the bags over the border or through the port authority.

Homegrown coffee also became the rage to those who could afford it. the fact that the plant took five years to bear fruit made having a indoor coffee orchard a dangerous enterprise with a long payoff. Prop 6 had made it a bit less dangerous to grow one or two for "personal use" but profitable indoor farms were still at risk for being raided.

In Hawaii, it was a bit different. Since many of the islands had the perfect climate for coffee, many residents would grow them in the yard. the US government also maintained several "research farms on the islands of Hawaii, Maui, and Lanai. These government coffee farms were kept under tight security, and many online conspiracy theorists claimed that the coffee that was grown was being in the manufacturing of the drug "dirt". In reality, the coffee was quietly packaged and shipped to Cuba in exchange for enough cigars to keep the fat cats happy.

Ok, enough weirdness for today

see you next time folks

The full pound

What is the point of having a roaster that can burn a whole LB and then roasting only 8 oz? That is what I said to myself as I dumped a whole bag of Kenya AA Nyeri Nidaro into my drum, slotted into my roaster and cooked it up. I left the setting on P1 figuring that this high grown African Coffee would do better with a straight up roast as opposed to a gradual build up of heat that the ever popular P3 gives.

I had the timer set for 20:30 and let the one pound baby cook as I played a little Mario Galaxy on my Wii (with the sound turned down so I can keep my ears on the roast). The first crack came 15:30 into the roast prompting me to put down my Wii-mote and watch it further. Three minutes later the smell changed and another minutes passed before I heard a low turned rumble that kinda of sounded like a big man's burp. It was a deep bass like crack as opposed to the popcorn like cadence of the first cracks.

"this must be the second crack" I told myself and set my finger on the cool button which I then hit a few seconds later. The beans came out a nice uniform dark brown and smelt great. I immediately stored them in a Food Saver Steamer bag since it was the only thing I had that could hold the 13.6 oz's of beans i just produced. Having some Maui Red Catui to drink, I let this baby sit for a few day before cracking opening the bag. The coffee was great, especially out of the Chemex. It had that nice Kenyan acidity, but was a little more toned down than others. I transferred it to a degassing bag and savored it throughout the week.

Since I bought these beans a month ago, Sweet Maria's is completely wiped out of it. My loss I guess because this was a great coffee I would have loved to add to my stash. Now that this bean is off the map, I kind of regret roasting up the full pound, but Ca Sera Sera to that.

folgers 2.0 or VIA Brew Challenged

just like folgers

So Yeah, i took the Starbucks VIA brew challenge and ended up sorely disappointing the challengers by correctly guessing which one was the crap and which one was the coffee.

So okay, the stuff is a step up from folgers fucking crystals, but it still has that bitter, bland aftertaste that comes with coffee crystals. I wonder what The Starbucks pretended to do to get this primo swill to taste a little better? More research on my part will be needed to find out. I will make a note to google it later and then come back and let you know.