Batman Spoilers

So....

I went to go see "The Dark Knight Rises" on I-Max. I went with a friend of mine. Another Dude. Just two dudes going to watch a comic book movie.

Yup...

Nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, since it was a weekday and the Midwest, the I-Max theater was only half full. I felt like such a rebel sitting in a seat that was not the seat the computer had assigned to me.

Yup,

To see The Batman in I-Max, you are going to have to sit where the computer puts you. The girl with braces explained it all to me at the counter, but I was still pretty ripped from the bong hits that me and my other dude friend had taken before we left to go see the finale to Nolan's Batman Trilogy. I only understood half of what she said, but I got the gist of it. Thankfully, her carefully choreographed speech was to no avail, and we got to sit in the center aisle and enjoy Batman in I-Max in all of its awesomeness. We did miss half of "The Hobbit" trailer though.

It was pretty awesome. Real fucking awesome. Not as epic as "The Return of the King". Still, it was a pretty good way to end a trilogy.Way the hell better than Rami's final Spider Man. Yes, you can argue that "The Dark Knight" was just a bit awesomer (and not just because people still like to dress like Heath Ledger on Halloween) and you would have a valid point. That one was a little less choppy. But still, I thought it was a fitting ending to an epic movie character.

Spoiler Alert!

Okay, for those of you who have have to decided that they do not want to have a computer to tell you where to sit and to wait for summer's most anticipated blockbuster to show up on cable television, do not read any further. I am going to give away the entire end of the movie and talk  about how Batman dies a horrible bloody death at the hands of  Evil Superman.

Oh Crap...

Well, I really hope that I did not just spoil the whole thing for you. You really should have taken my "Spoiler Alert" more seriously. I did put in a bold font. But anyway now you know and should, really, really stop reading before you find out more juicy tidbits like how Cat Woman gets knocked up by Bruce Wayne after she stills his semen sample that he keeps in his safe in Bruce Manor.

Oopsie,

Well, I hope I just did not totally ruin it for you now. It is a really good movie and you should really go and see it. So what if you know what is going to happen. There still a lot of stuff I did not give away. You still don't know, for instance, about Robin showing up after the Cirque Du Soliel comes into town, or Bane's Vader Helmet fetish. See, lots of stuff to be astounded by.

If anything Anne Hathaway's leather clad butt on the Bat Cycle is worth the price of I-Max admission alone. even if you have to be seated by a computer. The dude I saw it with totally agrees with me.

45 is the new 27

People Laugh when I tell people that I plan to live to at least 120. Sure,  I happen to be a funny guy, but on this subject, I am serious.

I tell them this, and they laugh some more.

Some will even shake their heads and give me a sympathetic pat on the back say stupid world weary things like "good luck with that."

Well, laugh it up suckers.

Let us see who is doing the laughing four score and five years from now.

Green Tea, Aged Garlic, Aloe Vera, Concentrated Cherry Juice packed with anthocyanins, Hot Yoga, TCM, Omega 3's, EPA's, Vitamin C by the truckload, Daily Exercise, Red Wine, EVOO, Aspirin, Apple Cider Vinegar, Green Coffee Beans...

All the secrets to a long life are there, waiting to be looked up on your smartphone or downloaded onto your tablet. I pump my body with enough antioxidants to kill an entire planet's worth of free radicals. I exercise, I eat right, I do all the things that Dr. OZ says I should do.

And, if that shit don't work, there still is science and technology to keep my ass going.

Pasteurization, Penicillin, Gene Therapy, Cloning, Bionic Limbs, Hot Nurse Sponge Baths

Our life spans have nearly doubled in the past century and barring a Zombie in the White House or any any other apocalyptic scenario, scientific progression is only going to to increase our longevity. Even if all of my preventative supplementation fails, I can still have my 80 year old brain implanted into a shiny new robot body.

Imagine how fun that will be! Running through brick walls, having crazy robot sex and such, being a cyborg would be way better than merely getting cloned back in a vat of goo, although to each its own I say.

Yeah, People laugh at my crazy scheme of living well to the end of the 21st century. Let the laugh. I got all the time in the world to prove them wrong.

Detroit Pot City

Well, Well, Well...

Will you look at that.

Looks like a couple of Deetroit Lions made the news by getting popped for the reefer. Both Mikel "I haven't played yet" LeShoure and Nick "I have played some" Fairley managed to get pulled over by local Police and get nailed for possession in the same week. Throw in Johnny "I am just a offensive Lineman" Culbreath, who got popped on similar charges a month ago, in the mix and you have the makings of a epidemic.

Of course, the press is up in arms, calling for the drawing and quartering of these young professional athletes for daring to violate the asinine anti drug policies that still exist in the country. "How can they be so dumb?" seems to be the sentiment of the day from the various talking heads. "Here we are, giving these dudes a ton of money and privileges to play a game and what do they do? They Spit in our face by toking down like typical twenty somethings, throwing away their future in the NFL and blowing their chances of ever being able to run for political office or work at Walmart."

It seems to be the sentiment that while Marihuana (as we like to call it in Michigan) should probably be decriminalized, these players need to be held accountable for violating the NFL's sorta strict anti drug policy simply because they should be smarter than that. I mean, come on, how hard is it to get away with doing the pot these days? Most cops, even in small towns, have better things to do than bust people for minor possession violations, but both Nick and Mikel seemed to go out of their way to get caught by going to the Suh School of reckless driving and having the shit on them while they were out joy riding. Sometimes a cop has no choice but to bust you, especially if make it way too obvious.

Blame Detroit

Perhaps we should blame the city of Deetroit for the stupidity of these three (four of your want to throw MSU's Nix into the Mix). Perhaps the city's openness to "medical" marijuana lulled these players into thinking that law enforcement everywhere is okay with you smelling like a dead skunk while driving.Unfortunately for Fairley, Alabama is nowhere as cool as Michigan. Hell you cannot even read porn in there without fear of getting raided. Also, while LeShoure got popped in Michigan, he managed to get popped in Western Michigan, where much of the 40% who do voted against Medical Marijuana seem to reside. Both should have known better, and now both are probably have to pay the piper and deal with fines, suspensions, and mandatory piss in the cup moments.

Thanks a lot Deetroit, thanks for be too cool for school and allowing our pro athletes to think it is okay to use pot instead of the prescription pain killers that Ryan Leaf likes to endorse. Now we will never know if LeShoure is the second coming of Ricky Williams.

 Oh, wait a minute...

muskrat stew

My dog likes to build a nest in my dirty clothes pile.

He sure looks comfortable nestled in with my dirty socks and boxers. I do not know what it is about the toejam and taint aroma that appeals to him so much. Then again, this is the same little dumbass who like to roll around in dead muskrat.

The other day, I had to chase the stupid mother fucker up the river bed, pulling my big white plumber's butt up and over my neighbor's wire fence via a handy slanted tree trunk, then stomping through a shitton of pickers and brambles, totally fucking up my good pair of jogging pants, to find him rolling gleefully in a pile of stinky remains of one one the world's most stink-assiest of creatures.

Climbing back through the brambles and pickers and back up over the stupid wire fence via the slippery tree trunk whilst holding the stinky little bastard under one arm like some big loaf of turd bread was not the most pleasant experience.

It must have shown on my face, because the little stinky fucker did his best to be a "good boy" as I hosed him off with whatever soaps and tinctures I could get my hands on. All the yelling and cursing I was doing probably also had something to do with the injured shivering baby seal look of his in the doggy torture chamber that is also known as a bathtub. Some of what I said was out of worry for him, being so close to the river and all, but most of the profanity that came out of me was out of anger for having to deal with his stinky dumb ass.

My house still smells like mother fucking muskrat.

Apparently, not enough for him though, needing a pile of my dirty underthings to remind him of that one single moment of splendor that he got from rolling around on some dead animal's carcass.

Shit, i really need to do my laundry.

The Contenders...

It's Oscar Week, but who really gives a fuck.

I certainly do not. Probably because I have not seen any of the nominated movies yet.

Wait a minute... was Transformers 3 nominated?

No?

That Harry Potter Movie, that was pretty awesome in 3D,  that had to be nominated, right?

No?

Google, google, google....

A Silent Film and  "Purple Rose of Cairo" ripoff are the front runners?

 WTF???

Actually, they both seem kind of interesting. I will have to put them on my Netflix Que. Somewhere near the middle, between some HBO Series that those assholes won't put on streaming and my ex-girlfriend's Japanese Horror Picks that I never removed because that seemed kind of cool (unlike Dawson's Creek which got tossed pronto).

So Anyway...

I will probably still watch the Oscars, not because I have a vested interest in who the fuck is going to win, but because I happen to like celebrity award shows. Don't you judge me. We all have our kinks. I probably will not pay to close attention though. But, it will most definitely be on  and I will probably look up once in a while to catch a glimpse of some of my favorite celebrities.

Tom Cruise and his cybernetic teeth....

Bradgelina with their vacant, hollow stares...

The token shot to some old fart that has been in just about everything...

This Chick, I Hope...

It is something to do on a Sunday Night anyway. Something to talk about around the old water cooler. Figuratively speaking of course. Who the fuck wants to hang around the water cooler like some weirdo? Especially when you do not even work in the office where you get your water from.

Super Commercials

Yet another Super Bowl has come and gone. Congratulations New York, way to beat Tom Brady and the Patriots into submission with solid defense and clock control.

But enough about the game.

Everyone knows that we watch the Super Bowl for the Commercials. In fact, I take my piss break during the game so I do not miss a single one of these 90 second long  celebrations of our hyper-consumerist society. Hooray for buying stuff! That is the only way we can be sure that the terrorists never win.

Sadly, the Golden Age of Super Bowl commercials has gone the way of the Budweiser Frogs. Back in the good old days, a Super Bowl Commercial was an event. Something that only happened during the Super Bowl and then talked about over the water cooler the next day.

"Hey Did You See that Crazy Orwellian Apple Commercial?"

"No Man, I had to take dump and totally missed it." 

"Dude, you should have turtled it. It was epic."

Nowadays, chances are pretty good that you are going to see these super duper bowl commercials over and over again until they start feeling like that one Daniel Powter Song. Heck, you might even catch the damn thing even before it airs during the big game, like Shatner's final take as the Priceline Negotiator. 

                                       

Is nothing sacred on Madison Avenue anymore?  

I personally found this year's crop of super commercials rather lame. Perhaps it was because I was not drinking during the game, but it did seem that all the ideas seemed a little played out. Coca Cola rolled out the Polar Bears for the umpteenth time, VW went overkill in trying to recreate the magic of its Kid Vader commercial from last year and everyone else seemed to simply throw in a celebrity and an alien and dare call the commercial "super". 

Super Lame that is. 

Okay, so maybe there were a few exceptions.

                                    

This one was pretty funny even though it was a bit sexist. What? Only dudes in denim drive trucks? You need at least one chevy driving chick if you want hope to repopulate the Earth. 

                                    

This other car commercial was also kind of funny. Take that you fucking vampires. I am glad they all blew up instead of  getting all rainbow sparkly like they do in Twilight.

                                    

Okay, I actually did not see this commercial (I was taking a dump) but checking out on You Tube Later, I thought it was pretty funny albeit both Ricky Gervais and Zombies are soo 2011. 

                                

This was, by far, the funniest commercial to come out during the Super Bowl. This commercial has everything: A Chinese Girl, a politician, rice patties, blatant xenophobic thinking. Budweiser could learn a lot from Congressman Hoekstra.  

I love it when a good plan comes together

For some stupid fucking reason, I decided to stay up until the ass crack of dawn the other night and watch  the A-Team Movie on HBO. I did this because I had way too many other important things to do the next day so I needed to make sure I went to bed at late as possible so I could sleep right through them.

To be fair, I actually kind of enjoyed the beginning where they set up the new versions of the characters which I spent a good portion of my childhood emulating. Sure they were a little off from the originals, but the basic templates werestill there. Liam Neeson made a decent enough Hannibal: the brilliant, cigar smoking leader and Bradley Cooper was at least good looking enough to be Face if not nearly whiny enough.  I thought it was Luke Wilson playing old crazy ass Murdock, but it was actually SharltoCopley, the lead character from District 9. While not as charmingly nutso as the Dwight Schultz (the original Murdock), Copley was okay. As for B.A. Baracas, well nobody can really be B.A. except for Mr.T, but I guess Rampage does a decent job at playing the big tough dude who is afraid of flying even if he was not wearing the appropriate amount of bling. 

Apparently I missed the beginning, where they all meet in Mexico for the first time, but I started watching in time to catch the basic set up. The A-Team, is  a special army task force with a penchant for destroying things without killing people, that goes on a secret (wink, wink) mission to capture some printing plates that are in the hands of the Iraqis. The plan goes off without a hitch, except for the part where the General gets blown up, the plates get stolen and everything is pinned on them.The four get sent off to various military prisons around the country until a CIA spook played by Patrick Wilson hatches a plan with Hannibal to get them all out to get the plates back. 

I know I should have just given up and turned it off after the whole "Flying Tank " scene, but I was compelled to keep watching to make sure that it was going to end as retardly as I thought it was and to see if my hero, Mr. T, was going to make a cameo like the the the original Face and Murdock did during the prison escape scenes. At the very least, I was hoping that  Jessica Biel who was playing a DOD agent/love interest was going to finally show us a little skin. Unfortunately, neither of these happened, and the plot just continued to become more confusing and convoluted like it was written by J.J. Abrams after a crack binge. The whole complex  shell game aspect of the final plan (hatched by Face for some stupid fucking reason) tried to be smarter than it really was and even after several more bong hits and a bottle of beer, I still could not suspend my disbelief enough to not roll my eyes at the inevitable outcome. 

Here are some problems I had:

1: B.A. is afraid to fly yet he has no problem rappelling down a 50 story building. 

2: What the fuck happened to the  plane they flew to the cargo ship? Did they just abandon it?

3:Where the fuck is the crew of the Cargo Ship? Who is steering the fucking thing? 

4: Why is Face doing all the Stratergy? His job is to look pretty not plan, that is why he is called Face. Let the dude named after one of History's most brilliant military tacticians come up with the plan. In fact, this is my biggest problem with the movie. It is like they felt they had to cater to Mr.Hollywood Cooper by giving his character a more important role then he deserved. 

5.What wrong with Jessica Beil? Why can't she find any good movies to be in? Perhaps God is not through with punishing her for abandoning Seventh Heaven. . 

6.Why are people dying? People do not die at the hands of the A-Team. Shit just get blown the fuck up and the bad guys jump out of the way before it does.  

 I pity the fool who did not have the chance to grow up with television during the 80's. Those were the the Golden Years my friend and the A-Team, with its glorification of violence and conservative values, was right smack in the middle of it.It was the epitome of the Cold War, where stuff gets blown up but no white people got hurt. To take these characters and to throw them into a story line involving rogue CIA agents, a complicated money laundering scheme and Jessica Biel is blasphemy. 

Origin Story

Of course, all the violence and complicated plot twists and turns can explained away by the fact that this is supposed to be a Origins story. All this is supposed to take place before the A-Team became a ragtag team of paramilitary misfits who roamed the country helping grandmothers and such who are being victimized by gangs of truck driving rednecks. That is fair, I suppose. However, if they ever make a sequel, it better include some nuns, some orphans, a greedy politician, a lawnmower turned into a catapult, and Hannibal better be making all the plans. Also, for the sake of fuck, find a way to get Mr.T to make a cameo. pr, at least put some bling on Rampage Jackson.   

Sexy Bald Man

I think I might be going bald.

I am not positive, I still need to run a few more blood tests and computer simulations, but it does seem like the hair in the middle of my head is refusing to grow back.

I guess I should have realized this sooner, however, during my 20's, I wore a cap, so never noticed and hair recession and then later on in life, because I was living in a tough neighborhood, I shaved my head and got an eye patch. It is only now, having moved to a more gentrified part of town, that I decided to let my hair grow out  and that was when I noticed the distinct horseshoe pattern of nothingness on the top of my head.

Gramp's Fault

This new information startled me. I always figured that at anytime I could, once again, have the mane of a Norse God like I did in college and now I was looking at living the rest of my life as a baldy. I did not want it to end this way.  First off, I needed to get to the bottom of this sudden hair loss. Googling the bitch, I found that several things can cause a handsome motherfucker like me to lose his hair. While my rock star lifestyle may contribute, it appears that the biggest culprit is my damn genes. It turns out that my mom's dad was a baldy as well, I managed to get his X chromosome when I got put together in my mothers womb after my parents banged each other.

Male Pattern Baldness Bitches

The condition is called Androgenic Alopecia and it is brought on from having too much testosterone in your system. Well, that figures. I have always been a virile motherfucker. This extra man juice somehow makes its way up to the scalp and chokes off the hair follicles (probably for looking at them funny) which then causes hair to fall out. Thanks a lot grampa.

Now that I have come to grips with the fact I may be losing my hair, I guess I could do something about it. Turns our there are a lot of solutions. I could go "Shatner" and have hair from my butt stapled to my head, but this costs money and I don't have the same kind of scratch as the Captain. I could also buy some bug juice to rub into my scalp everyday but that seems like a hassle and I don't want my man boobs to get any bigger than they already are.

Balls

Doing further research, I found out that there is only one true cure for baldness and that is to attack the very source of the problem: The Balls. You see, balls produce the testosterone that ends up choking out your follicles. Cut off the man juice supply and your hair has a fighting chance. So, that is why my dog still has all his hair. So, all I gotta do now is wrap an rubber band (this is how they do it in China) tightly around my sack and wait for the family jewels to fall off and then bam! My flowing locks will be back.

After that, I imagine I am going to be beating the bitches off me with a stick.