Geico gecko coffee

Here I was looking at this little coffee plant growing on a Maui Plantation when this little green fellow showed up and asked me what type of auto insurance I currently had.

Little geckos apparently like to sunbathe on the big green rubbery leaves of the coffee plant.This prominent position also allows then to spot tourists on which to deliver their "save money with Geico" spiel in their cute little Australian accents. While not to keen on the soliciting, the owners of the plantation tolerate the little green guys since they also eat a lot of the pests that may harm the various crops.

this little fellow happily licked his eye when I told him thst I already have Geiceo auto insurance and then what about his business.

Fire in the hole

So the other month I decided to go a little crazy and roast up a a full pound of Maui Red Catuai and Brazilian Mogiana (what I call my Maui Mogiana Blend) in my trusty old Behmor. I had roasted up a full pound of beans in my Behmor before, but this one was special. Mainly because I managed to set my machine on fire.

I do not know if it was because I had just a smidgen over 16 oz in the roaster if I just happened to let this beast of a blend coast on P3 a little too long (23:30) or if there was just a build up of crud inside the machine. All I know is, that I noticed a dark haze hovering over my Behmor and when I went in for a closer look, I saw sparks.

I probably would have ignored all this, if my Landlord had not recently installed a new smoke alarm that went off and forced me to look at what was going on. Of course, the Behmor has the tendency to set off smoke alarms all the time (which is why I always pull the battery out of them.) But since, this one was new, the battery was still attached, and it went off like the dickens ans when I went to wank the battery to shut it up, that when I noticed all the smoke and said to myself "now that doesn't look right."

Thankfully, I remembered my training from Behmor Boot camp and did the right thing. I immediately unplugged the machine (it was on the cooling cycle anyway) and hauled it outdoors so that all my neighbors might be able to smell what burnt Maui Mogiana is all about. Thanks to my overly callused hands that can handle hot metal things, I was actually able to save the beans which were with sizzling and popping within the wire drum. I got them out and poured them into one of those big silver bowls that you use for salads and such. I then transferred them to another bowl and them finally to a big wok, where I stirred them with a wooden spoon, like a saw a lady doing in one of the pics on the Sweet Marias Website.

The coffee actually turned out to be pretty good, a nice full, full city which makes me suspect that the whole incident was a chaff fire.

On a separate note, the maui mogiana blend really makes me pee a lot. Something I found out when I went to watch 2012. Thankfully i did not miss any important plot points the 4 or 5 times I had to get up and go pee.

coffee and your sex drive

Super Mario, the face of Nintendo recently reported that he uses coffee to keep things on the up and up between him and the Princess.

"Ima Super Mar-io, I am da best!"

Super Mario exclaimed after he revealed that he has been using coffee bean e to help him deal with his occasional bouts of erectile dysfunction. Recent research into coffee as revealed that people who drink more coffee are hornier than those who do not. This clinical study was performed both of geriatric lab animals as well as actual live senior citizens. Upon dissection, it was revealed that testosterone levels had increased after being injected with an official Starbucks espresso syringe. Field studies also indicate that granpas who drink coffee shag more grannies. This field study also lead to the development of the Grannysgettingiton.com.

"oh thank you Mario." Was the Princess' reaction after finding out that the famous monster stomping plumber was using coffee to help lil Mario stay erect.

Coffee related tooth decay

Tis the season to cash in on my dental benefits and get as much dental work as I can stand before the end of the year. So, I squeezed in a cleaning the other day and spent a morning getting my teeth washed with a high pressure water gun or something like that.

I should stuck to two cups of the Mogiana Maui Blend that i was testing out, but dentists make me nervous and I drank the whole giant load that I had made in my Chemex that morning. Something about the drone of the drill triggered something down there and I found myself running to the bathroom several times during the process.

This spurred me to ask the dental hygenist if coffee was bad for your teeth.

"NO" she said as she lowered her weilder's mask and climbed into my mouth.

"But," She continued, " It does cause bad breath, and stains your teeth."

With my mouth full of dentists and their blunt instruments, I could only roll my eyes in relief.

I was prepared to get dentures though

What i look like before my pot of coffee in the morning!

Happy Halloween!

Charly Freedom Coffee Chronicles

In the late Twentieth Century( About ten years Before Charly) Coffee drinking grew more wide spread, especially on the west coast and Hawaii where it was already tolerated to some degree. Gone were the days of Nixon and the counter culture and the government no longer felt the need to suppress the coffee drinking anti-disestablishment types like it had during those turbulent times.

It was now the Clinton Era, and soon many states began to take steps toward legalization. Our northern neighbor had already justified its use for medicinal purposes, sighting its remarkable ability to clear the mind and even ease headaches. Research out of Scandinavia also showed that drinking it might even help with certain types of bowel cancer. Basement Coffee shops soon began to spring up all over the Bay Area as smugglers did what they could to sneak the bags over the border or through the port authority.

Homegrown coffee also became the rage to those who could afford it. the fact that the plant took five years to bear fruit made having a indoor coffee orchard a dangerous enterprise with a long payoff. Prop 6 had made it a bit less dangerous to grow one or two for "personal use" but profitable indoor farms were still at risk for being raided.

In Hawaii, it was a bit different. Since many of the islands had the perfect climate for coffee, many residents would grow them in the yard. the US government also maintained several "research farms on the islands of Hawaii, Maui, and Lanai. These government coffee farms were kept under tight security, and many online conspiracy theorists claimed that the coffee that was grown was being in the manufacturing of the drug "dirt". In reality, the coffee was quietly packaged and shipped to Cuba in exchange for enough cigars to keep the fat cats happy.

Ok, enough weirdness for today

see you next time folks

The full pound

What is the point of having a roaster that can burn a whole LB and then roasting only 8 oz? That is what I said to myself as I dumped a whole bag of Kenya AA Nyeri Nidaro into my drum, slotted into my roaster and cooked it up. I left the setting on P1 figuring that this high grown African Coffee would do better with a straight up roast as opposed to a gradual build up of heat that the ever popular P3 gives.

I had the timer set for 20:30 and let the one pound baby cook as I played a little Mario Galaxy on my Wii (with the sound turned down so I can keep my ears on the roast). The first crack came 15:30 into the roast prompting me to put down my Wii-mote and watch it further. Three minutes later the smell changed and another minutes passed before I heard a low turned rumble that kinda of sounded like a big man's burp. It was a deep bass like crack as opposed to the popcorn like cadence of the first cracks.

"this must be the second crack" I told myself and set my finger on the cool button which I then hit a few seconds later. The beans came out a nice uniform dark brown and smelt great. I immediately stored them in a Food Saver Steamer bag since it was the only thing I had that could hold the 13.6 oz's of beans i just produced. Having some Maui Red Catui to drink, I let this baby sit for a few day before cracking opening the bag. The coffee was great, especially out of the Chemex. It had that nice Kenyan acidity, but was a little more toned down than others. I transferred it to a degassing bag and savored it throughout the week.

Since I bought these beans a month ago, Sweet Maria's is completely wiped out of it. My loss I guess because this was a great coffee I would have loved to add to my stash. Now that this bean is off the map, I kind of regret roasting up the full pound, but Ca Sera Sera to that.

folgers 2.0 or VIA Brew Challenged

just like folgers

So Yeah, i took the Starbucks VIA brew challenge and ended up sorely disappointing the challengers by correctly guessing which one was the crap and which one was the coffee.

So okay, the stuff is a step up from folgers fucking crystals, but it still has that bitter, bland aftertaste that comes with coffee crystals. I wonder what The Starbucks pretended to do to get this primo swill to taste a little better? More research on my part will be needed to find out. I will make a note to google it later and then come back and let you know.

maui pic

Here is a pic from the Kaanapali coffee farms that happened to be just up the road from where me the girlfrien were staying in Maui. The pic was taken by my girlfriend who is vastly more talented at taking pictures than I am. This is a Red Catuai varietal, at least according to the sign. Long considered the "cabernet" of coffee, I was so impressed with it, I decided to buy a big old ten pound bag of it right after I was served sample cup of it at the Maui Grown Coffee store in Lahaina (right next to the historic smokestack).

Of course, the first thing I did when I got home is roast up a batch of this stuff. I kept it safe, doing 8 oz at P3 for 15:15. It turned out nice, a pretty full city and tasted great. The guy at the shop told me that the Red Catuai is a hard bean to screw up in a roaster and he was right. Hopefully, I can tweak it a bit and get it tasting just right. My first attempt at the the roast turned out ok. I appreciated the strong earthy undertones as well the intense bitter after taste. There is nothing sweet or "brown sugary" about the Maui Grown Red Catuai, and that is just fine by mean. Next time, i might try to stretch the roast out a bit longer to see what happens.

The Maui Grown Coffee company is best known for being the exclusive grower of the Maui Mokka, that tiny little bean I reviewed previously. They also had a few big bags of this first sale, but since I can only roast this in my little Nesco, I opted out of getting a big bag of that one.

The guy also got me excited by telling me that they had an annex open at the Port Of Oakland where I might be able to pick up a hundred elbows or so, if I wanted. I haven't done any research on it-yet, but if the Red Catuai grows on me, I just might have to look them up.

liquid crack

Yeah, I still find myself going there. I get the occasional craving for the bucks. Actually, its the only place near my job. I really prefer peets.

diamond in the rough

The newest coffee shop to open in the bay area, decided to choose an unusual name in location. You reach it by walking up the urine soaked stairs and tapping three times on the wire fences.

You wait five minutes then A 600 lb gorilla named Tim comes to pick you up. He literally picks you up and carries up the the rest of the pee stained steps then up a giant oak tree that has been growing in the area since before the " white man" came took it away from the indigenous peoples.

The shop is located up high within the giant tree's trunk and is run by an elf named Keepler. Keepler, who hates it when people mentioned the coincidence to the other oak tree dwelling elves, has been roasting and brewing coffee as a sort of hobby slash occupation for the past 500 years. He first became interested in coffee when his former employer brought some back with him after a business trip that took him to the far corners of the earth.

From his first taste of the arabic elixir, Keepler was hooked made it his sole preoccupation outside of the toy business. After retiring, Keepler decided to set up a small coffee shop up on a very old tree that catered to a select group of discriminating clientle who did not mind being carried by a 6000 pound gorilla.

Keepler decided to call his shop Coffee Up Native's Tree, but could not fit it all the wall, so decided to use an acrynom instead.

His coffee is strictly single origin and roasted within a magical drum roaster that was built by Keepler himself and improved upon for the past half of a millenia.

Mogiana

"Come and get a little taste of my hot wet Mogiana,' She said from the balcony.

The way she said made me feel shy and excited. Like a hormonal schoolboy I clambered onto the balcony where she and her Brazilian Mogiana were waiting.

"MMMmmm, yesss," She moaned, "Taste my Mogiana Papi, Drink it all up."

Everybody knows that their is almost nothing better that that brazilian Mogiana, especially when its hot, wet and dry processed.

I savored the nutty texture and creamy body and marveled at its powers of stimulation.

Sure, some acidic undertones would have been nice perhaps the mogiana would be interested in a little three way action with a saucy Ethopian. Perhaps, once I got to know it a little more, I would dare broach the subject.

I drank it down well it was still hot and wet, and savored every drop.

The best mogiana I ever had...

teeny tiny maui moka

So I picked me up some hawaii ka'anapali DP maui moka from Sweet Marias Yesterday, mostly because me and the sweety pie are set to go there next month and I wanted to prepare my taste buds.

The beans are truly itsy bitsy little things. So small that I did not even attempt to roast them in the Behmor and instead broke out the Nesco Roaster which has been sitting around collecting dust for the past three months.

My Nesco operating skillage turned out to be a bit rusty and I almost burnt the crap out of the beans, hitting cool after about 24 minutes of roasting, after seeing sparks drifting around the beans.

Definitely full city plus yo

I brewed up some of these little beans this morn, after my little workout (thats right I get up early to exercise you chumps) I used the chemex to make about nice cups.

It tastes okay, the darker roast actually working for it, maybe a dash of cream would help it out. No acidity whatsoever and lots of body for such a little bean. Kinda clean, with a jasmine afertaste. Next time, I will try to make it a bit lighter.

torn between the two

He was torn between the two of them...

And if asked which one would he take to a desert island he might need a moment or two to consider.

The Smart Drip, compact and durable and cute to boot, came across as the sensible choice. It was the one he took with him while on camping trips already and being placed on a desert isle seemed a lot like anf overly long kind of camping trip. Sort of

The,n he thought about what it would be like to be castaway and how nice it would be to have the curvaceous and beautiful Chemex to gaze upon while sitting around all unkempt and lonely like tom Hanks in the one movie. that one he did after Gump that was okay but not great.

Castaway, thats it.

Any scenerio with the beautiful vessel would have to involve a large crate of the special filters and he would have to handle it with the utmost tender care.

His sick imagination then wandered to the possibility of going mad on this said desert isle and then a image nuptial scene where he gently and lovingly takes the vessel of curved glass as hisisland wife popped up and hovered around a bit before he drove the sick ideas away and thought seriously about the debate.

He then guessed that it would also have to depend upon which kind of coffee was incidently growing on this desert island growing near the equator. Some coffees tasted better than others out of each of them.

If the coffee was anything like the Guatalmalen Fraijanes then he would want the smart dripper, but if it turned out that he was stranded near the African Coast then he would probably prefer the Chemex.

If only he could just break the rules and bring both devices.

Along with a truckload of filters.

He would be set.

Waxing poetic

The building behind the Skunk truck is where I sneak off during my lunch to to indulge in the sinful bliss that feeds my deepest darkest vice...

Burnt Umber

Bitter Bliss

Wine of Araby

Oh sweet dark mistress

Coffee is thy name

The building is laden with coffee beans from the far corners of the earth along with many devices developed to unleash the pure pleasure that these seeds have locked within their fibrous walls.

I have come for you my dark mistress ready for new savory sensations.

Jasmine Undertones

Lemon Acidity

Earthy Body

I let my tongue roll over you tasting you, feeling you...

Getting to know you.

Wine ain't got shit on you baby

Katta holla Peebs

Okay, no more of that twitty twatty crap anymore I promise. I guess I just got carried away playingwith the old smart phone while on my lunch break. Anyway, here is another pic of my little coffee laboratory that I took after I roasted up dome India Kattehollay Peaberry which I like to refer to as the Katta Holla Peebs ( because I happen to be "hip" to urban slang).

The other Drum

As you can see in the pic, I finally got to bust out my second roasting drum meant for the smaller Peaberries. Bout frickin time I got to check it out. I also got me someTBE Peebs (thats Tanzanian Blaackburn Estate peaberries to you "playa haterz") to try out in the other drum. Both turned out decents, but so far I am liking the Katta Holla a little bit better. It has a bit of a crazy tinge to it that is reminiscent of the Anhoki which appeals to me.

Word up

That muck in the bottom right is part of my behmor roast journal in which I keep track of every roast I do, writing down the WPT (Weight, profile, time baby), along with any thing else that happen during each roast.

For example: I roasted the8.2 oz of Kattehollay (err I mean katta Holla! yo) on profile 3 at 13:00 minutes plus 2:30 seconds after the start for a total rost time of 15:30. Adding the extra 2:30 lengthened the final roast curve allowing the bean to get a little darker. I evengot a little nerdy and graphed the entire process so that I might better understand the profile. The graph is pretty crappy and crude, but it did its job helping me to furtherwrap my head around what the hell is going on in my Behmor during the roast.

Thats right homefry, BS takes notes.

Now, I could prob get all uber nerdy and start graphing my roasts on Excel, but for now I think I will stick with crappy drawings.

Well, thats all I feel like saying for now... so until another day

And I promise not to get too crazy with my smart phone.

bringing the new toy camping

campstove coffee

Got about an elbow and a forearm left of this stuff and I am trying to savor it to the bitter end. Took some with me when I went camping this weekend.

Hey there huckleberry, just sitting here on myt lunch swilling down some tanzanian blackburn estate AA 2008 crop.

beanie

beanie

Beany is getting soo big, i cannot believe that i still got to wait four and half years before i can pick her cherries. Thats right, my sexy little girls is going to have more that one cherry for me to take. The rub being that I will only be able to take them once a year.

At this rate Beany is (or did I name it cheri? I forget) is going to be a friggen tree. I will probably need to get all bozai on her, trimming her bush down every couple months. By that time I will probably changed her name to something even cornier like Treena or something.

This feels more like that twitter crap that all the talking heads are yacking about. Hey does anybody know about compost? Yada yada yada.... let me patter on

Crap, it doesn't... I do not like how it splits shit up either. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

out unseen since the days of nintendo. Hmmm I wonder I can send pictures?.....

Sorry, that last post was just a test. It worked! Woo hoo! I can now pontificate about coffee on my g phone. Look out thumbs, you are about to get a work

I love coffee

topless coffee: got any milk?

Apparently the fine citizens of Vassalboro Maine were not very happy about having a topless coffee shop in their town...

MSNBC reports that suspected arsonist had set this adultoriented coffee business ablazeand destroying the roof of the renovated motel in which it was located. The owner, who lives with his family in the motel were not hurt by the fire, but were reportedly saddened by the looks of puritanical glee that some passersby displayed over the establishments loss. Check out the full report here

Topless coffee shop huh? It just sounded like a subject that coffeeporn was born to tackle. I must say that it seems like a good business plan to me, a little wacky, but sound. But then again, a guy who comes up with an idea like coffee related porn is bound to find a topless coffee shop intriguing.

Coffee and bare naked tittys are always a good mix.

Still to be fair, I guess the shop did bost servers of both sexes and both went around bare chested. I walk around bare chested with a steaming mug of coffee all the time and I guess I do look pretty hot doing it. Okay, I usually have a robe on, but it is usually opened and my gorrilla-esque chest is out for all my peeping nieghbors to see as I strut my stuff and swill my coffee.

Now, that I got that wonderful image plastered into your mind's eye, lets go back to the bare naked tittys. I wondered if any of the female servers at this topless coffee bar have gotten thier bare naked tittys scalded by piping hot coffee. I know that would by my main cause for concern if I was working there. Hot coffee on the boob (or moob) cannot be a pleasant experience. I also wonder if the coffee at this joint is actually good, or if most people come for the ambiance.

I also wonder what type of servers work there. Are they young college girls, working mothers, a mix of both? Any topless grannys working there or even nursing mothers? And if I went there and got a cup a joe, will the half naked server who happens to be a nursing mother be able to supply a little of milk to cool it off?

So many questions so little time...

To diverge a bit, I am drinking some fine tasting Kenyan AB that I roasted in my Behmor this past Tuesday. Its got that nice Kenyan Acidity undertone that is tickling my tastebudsand making me want more. I roasted in on P3 which I started at 13:00 but then tacked on another 2:30 to make the last leg of the heating cycle a bit longer. This allowed me to get it a bit darker then the behmor likes to allow and resulted in a fine roast indeed.

Mmm, tasty

If only I had some bare naked tittys in front of me now.

Fresh roasted coffee batch

Hey there sugar. I am a FRCB  from Rwanda looking for a hot and steamy fling with anyone who wants to have me. 

Men, women, couples, alternative lifestylists,  teen goths, aged nuns, southern dandys...

People of all ages, races, shapes, and sizes have enjoyed my pleasures, and so can you. As long as you enjoy having a good time.

 Have me alone or pass me along to friends or family members. Use me and abuse then leave whats left of me on the compost heap. 

Looking for short flings only, do not like things to get stale.

Interested?

Follow this link here

Smell me later...

G Whiz

Here is a new pic of my plant. I took it with my G-Phone then sent via G-mail over the 3G network to my G-mail account. Gee whiz huh?

Unfortunately the Google Phone has a rather crappy camera function (which is no doubt made better by some app you can download) and I am left with this photo. However, I do like the convenience that comes with snapping pics and then sending them directly to your g-mail account allowing you to download them from any computer. Smart phones, gosh where would we all be without them?

Anywho, Here is a updated pic of the coffee plant that my sweety pie got me a few months ago. The top two pairs of leaves are pretty recent, the bigger guys on the second tier blossomed a few weeks ago then got huge right before my eyes (ehh ehh I said "got huge"). They are now the biggest leaves on the plant. The ones above them seem to be shooting out at a pretty fast pace also resulting in a phenomenonol growth spurt after a month of kind of laying dormant (ehh ehh I said "spurt"). 

I am not sure what caused this spurt (ehh ehh). It could be a number of different things. Perhaps the fertilizer I have been giving it in  every other watering (fertilizer: wink wink, watering; nudge, nudge). Perhaps the warmer weather that we have been havingor,  it could be that my little green friend finally got used to its new home.  (weather?...nah nothing to go on there) 

Anyways, I am taking it as a sign that I am doing something right. I just can't wait until I pick my first coffee cherry from it. 

(ehh, ehh Cherry picking) 

Behmor Update

These last two weeks of tooling around with the Behmor 1600 have sure been fun as well as educational. I learned that when they say that the Behmor really does not have the capability to go real dark, they actually mean it.  I am still currently having trouble getting my roast up to full city plus and have ended up with a number of batches that are way too light for my taste. 

I ave also learned that not all profiles work well. I tried roasting some Indonesian Flores Organic Manggar on the P2 setting and got some real patchy looking roasted bean. Sure, this might be the beans themselves (I guess I will find out when I roast the remainder on another setting) but I have a feeling that P2  was responsible. 

Not that other profiles have been working out for me...

 I already bitched about what I did to my precious Tanzanian Blackburn Estate that I screwed up on P3 and the  Rwandaian Gkongoro  also turned out less satisfactory then I expected. Pretty much the only batch that came out good was some El Salvador Siberian Estate which I roasted on P3 for  a touch over 15 minutes. This stuff turned out pretty decent, although its taste evaporated quickly over the next week. Oh yeah, the and the Columbia Huila one star also came out pretty good, but that was a fluke. 

Oh well, I guess I got some more experimenting to do before I try to go to the big leagues. 

Saving the beans

Oops, I done spilled the beans. Went  and got them all over my carpet. How could I be so careless with something so precious? I always seem to have a bit of trouble when it comes to putting my beans into a different container. I have lost count of how many time I have ended up with  half of my load all over the carpeted floor of my lab (which is really just a corner in my apartment). 

 I really need to figure out a better bean saving method. A funnel perhaps, or just jars with wider mouths. Sure, pasta sauce jars worked great for my little Nesco but now that I went and got myself a big bad Behmor, I might actually have to go and invest in some fancy schmancy storage canisters with wide openings and perhaps even a degassing valve.  They are probably going to cost me a bit, but I guess they would be worth it if it means no more carpet coffee. 

The whole Food Saver experiment thing also seems like a bit of a bust. The thing works great for keeping my chicken from getting freezer burn, but I still haven't figured out how to save freshly roasted coffee with it properly. The problem is the  dang nab CO2 that the roasted beans like to release for the first 48 hours after being cooked. If I do not wait for them to release all their gas, I end up with a bloated bag of beans, however if I wait too long, then the taste degrades and the whole point of vacuum sucking becomes lost.  

A buddy of mine sent me some small ziploc bags that have a degassing valve, that is supposed to be the best way to store your roasted batch. These valves swing only one way, letting gas out but not in, which is an ideal situation for roasted coffee. Once you lock your beans in one of these babies, the Co2 that is released pushes all of the oxygen in the bag out through the valve and keeps your beans nice and preserved. The only catch, is that these guys can end up being a bit pricey and they also make my whole reasoning in investing in a Foodsaver a moot one. I have been looking online for a sort of hybrid such as a vaccuum seal bag that has a degassing valve, but I have not found one yet. But, being onewho does not like to buy things and not use them, I am sure I will figure something out. 

why dont we do it on the roast?

So far, roasting with the Behmor has been a fun experience.  So many buttons to push, so many roasting variations that you can fiddle with. Unlike the Nesco, which only lets you fuck around with the time, The Behmor people give five different buttons (wieght, time, additional time, profile, cool)  that you can mess around with, making for almost infinite ways to roast your beans. 

Of course, just like the first couple times doing it in the backseat of your Ford Escort, it does take a while to get a good grasp as to what exactly all these buttons can do for you and your roast.  My first time, with the roaster not in the backseat, actually turned out pretty good. I used 8 oz of the Columbia Huila One Star for my maiden voyage figuring if I screwed it up, it would not be a huge loss (a kinda blase bean) and ended up getting a pretty good roast out of it. Then I started messing around with the profile settings and cranked out a couple of pussified roasts. It wasn'tuntil my fourth batch until  I produced something that was worth writing home about. 

The dang profiles are taking a while to wrap my noggin around, what with the different settings, having different roast curves, making everything all technical andstuff. Just like, the Ford Escort analogy, sometimes the first time works out because you rely on instinct, however the next couple times, you start to think about it and how can improve upon your performance. perhaps even read a few articles or get a book from the library.  This just makes things more complicated and you start to overthink things and the next thing you know she is dating your best friend who owns a van. 

So anyway, my first go round, I played it straight, set it on P1  and then watched and waited for the right time to hit the "cool" button, resulting in a pretty nice full city roast. Then I decided to get all fancy with the buttons and ended up with a city plus on my next two, because P3 has a completely different roast curve which seems to prolong the time between the first and second crack.  Oh, well I guess it is  all part of the learning process.

 I sure do miss that van. 

hot and bothered

Here it is, my new roaster in action. Nine minutes into a batch of the Tanzanian blackburn estate baby. This was my third 8oz batch in three days and I am now up to my ass in coffee. 

I could invite over a dozen Cheerleaders  with a penchant for caramel machiatos and throw a full blown coffee orgy and everyone would go away happy and jazzed. 

Anyway I definitely made enough of the jazz juice to pass around and no longer have to hoard my precious beans from my family and co-workers. 

Coffee for Everyone! Huzzah!

In my three days of experimenting, I have notice quite a few differences between the Behmor and the Nesco Roasters...

The Sound 

While the Nesco is like watching a porn on your lcd computer screen with loud shitty speakers, the Behmor is like listening to that same porn with one of those high class Bose Speakers while watching it on your crappy flip phone. Hearing every moan and grunt, in perfectly clarity, but not really getting a good view of the show. Using the Nesco, which can drown out Edith Bunker getting it good and hard "OOOH ARCHIEEE!", I do not think I ever really heard that first Crack and depended on the lound second crack to know it was time to hit that cool button. In the Behmor you can hear it loud and clear so now I can listen to "All in the Family: the lost episode"as i cook my Beans.

The Control

Ohh so many Buttons to push! i just love it. On the Nesco All you get is a timer, now I got all kinds of stuff to keep track of.  Although, I still need some time to grasp the whole "profile" thing. 

The Type

Now I am old school. The Behmor 1600 is a drum roaster (albeit fused with a toaster oven) while the Nesco uses the more modern hot air convection cooking method. Drum roasting was how its been done for years and there is something about the taste and the overall tactile feel that appeals to me. 

And Of Course...

The Size

I know that its how you use it, but when it comes to batches of roasted beans, I believe that the bigger the better. Now I will never have to resort to outside coffee because the measly 5 ounces that I roasted could not last the weekend. I can roast a full LB in one sitting now. Huzzah! Of course, that also means that if i screw a batch up , I screw up a whole pound of beans. It also means that my apartment now smells twice as "burny" when i do roast. Even though the Behmor has a smoke suppression apparatus (which my GF's ass needs cause its soo hot), some still gets released and I even had to run and turn off the smoke alarm which was blaring in bedroom (it also happens everytime my GF undresses). I am probably breathing in a lot of CO, which bad for brain, but me think me is ok.  

Dancing with my bag

You remember that scene in Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle, in which Kumar ( that dead dude from House) does a whole relationship montage with a giant bag of  the bubonic chronic?

 "you call this coffee?" Slap 

This is how I felt wheni got  my first sizable bag of beans via Fed Ex the other day. I got me some five pounds of the tanzanian blackburn estate shipped to me from Indiana. 

Mucis started playing and I saw myself taking the bag by the hands and running off into the field of daises somewhere where we could make sweet, sweet love. It will be all playful tickles and ass  grabs at first, then the affair will heat up ( if you know what I mean). Soon I will be sharing her with friends, and not being able to stop myself I will end up finishing her off and then move onto another conquest. 

 

Those girls from Ipanema

We have all heard about those girls from Ipanema....

So when I saw that some Brazil Ipanema "Tree Dry Process "was avialable from SM, I just had to jump on the opportunity to taste little something saucy, sexy region.  Being seduced by the name, I actually went ahead and bought two elbows, so that I could explore this Ipaneman beauty to full extant and really get to know her ins and outs

 

Actually, I ended up buying the same bean twice , not realizing that the first one was  Tree Dry Process also. I should probably be taking better notes, or at least lay off the "hippy speed balls" in the morning so as to not make this mistake again.  If my mind was a bit clearer and my memory not just a pile of swiss cheese, I would not have wasted my time buying this bean again. 

While the girls from Ipanema may be creatures worthy of song, the beans of Ipanema hardly seem deserving of faint whistle. I might be willing to throw a little hum jobby at them, but really these beans are kind of blase. 

 This dull Choco-chalky robustness does do better when mixed with a wild child like the Ethipoian Kambata making for a fine Moka Java thing, but it does not do well alone. 

Then again, It just may be that I do not know how to handle this little creature from Ipanema. While my little Nesco does not do well when I want to go dark, I decided to crank it up a notch and bring this latest  batch to full French mode. Perhaps this little Ipanema will final open herself to me and give me pleasure. 

I will let you know....  

Using a (chaff) cup

The games I like to play are dirty, messy and dangerous, which is why I like to use a special cup like this one here.... 

It is great at collecting all the messy leavings that can come with certain bean types that are into the act of "chaffing" while roasting. Okay, most beans do chaff a little as they start to get all heated up, but some really chaff, sending out copius amounts of the flaky brown particulates. These beauties can get quite messy, making you feel like a jizz mopperat the Lusty Lady.  

 

This little puppy performs a vital role in collecting the chaff, which are little pieces of husk that fall off during the roasting process. The screen on the right sits on top of the little metal cup and the whole device is inserted into the top of the glass roasting chamber (not pictured). After roasting the beans, the roaster kicks in a "cooling off cycle" which increase the air flow, allowing the chaff to float up through the gashes in the cup which serves as sort of a diaphragm for the steamy, agitated beans. 

I got a hot and steamy video of the whole process which is available for the sexy low price of 19.95. Just make a check out to BSRiter then go here...

Ah, crap wait a minute, how the hell am I going stop you from just clicking on the link without cutting me a check?\, I guess the am going to have to hold my readers to auspices the honor system. If it is good enough for the museum of local folkart, it is good enough for me. 

Fresh Ass

When it comes to coffee, freshness is the key. The longer that bean sits around after it has been roasted, the shittier the coffee is going to taste. Now, if you roast it in a big factory, grind it up and then stick in a can on a shelf, the drink you get is going to be a gritty bitter, muddy mess that not even worthy for the lips of a desperate trucker needing a bit of the go go juice to make it to Chatanooga with his pay load. 

Even when left whole, coffee beans tend to peak in flavor after two to three days of being roasted. These succulent young nymphettes blossom quickly, becoming desperate old ladies with too many cats, all in a weeks time. Even in a airtight plastic or metal prison, time is a factor when it comes to taste. 

When I had my first real taste of freshly roasted coffee, my tastebuds unleashed a huge, orgasmic wave of pleasure towards my mendula umblagutta. A shotgun blast of taste propelled me unto a completely different plane of coffeelocity. I place and taste that I did not even know to exist even after my decade long journey into the world of Araby Wine.   

 I had seen the light my brothers.

I had seen the light and knew that I must tell others.  

my little pleasure dome

tucked away in the furthest recess of my kitchen lies my little lab of pleasure, where I craft and cook, measure, and vacuum suck. I keep my victims tucked away in a secret panel to the left, where they wait in darkness until I take them out and slowly savor them. 

Some go fast, their essence absorbed by me and my kin, while others linger, slowly being metered out for whatever reason their cruel master seems fit. Some just bore me and sit in the darkness until I have nothing else to derive pleasure from.  Others... 

Well,

Others I am slowly savoring, not knowing when another blue moon may arise, and such succulent seductive goodness may be once again available. 

a little suck and seal

I developed a new fetish involving high grad- meshed plastic wrap and a vacuum sealer. Now, nothing gets me off more than  perserving the freshness of newly roasted batch of coffee beans. Enjoying these beauties at their peak is sure way to attain mouth-gasm. It is also a good way to share your sick passion with various friends and family members. On top of that there is the cool textual feel of the bag of beans.  The bumpy feel of the beans as they push against their tight plastic barrier like  so many Han Solo's frozen in Carbonite, feels great when brushed against the naked torso. Being waterproof, it makes a  good loofa. 

The only thing that sucks is that these little bags of joy do not maintain their  state of frozen rigidity past the 24 hour period, reverting to a softened state unless you do a another round of the old suck and blow.  Sure, they might last longer than the pope on viagra, but I cannot help but wish they would retained thier solidity until I chose to open them. There is nothing more satisfy than running a sharp edge of a blade across the top of the bag and watching it slackened as it releases it fresh roasted aroma. Perhaps if I fiddle around, I can get it to work for me.  

Like some cokehead on a family outing, I nearly drove myself up the wall  when I ran out of my Chemex brewing filters the other day. My favorite coffee oriented (Sweet Marias) business was  out of them when I made my big monthy purchase last week.  Curses, it was back to French Pressing.  Thankfully, when I checked back this Monday, they had gotten some more in so I bought some, along with a few more pounders that looked good enough to sample

Two were Costa Rican  something or the others ( Helsar and Herbazu) which, until recently, were being stored in some air tight vault like some disney masterpiece. I figured if a coffee is worth putting away for a rainy day, then it gotta be good. I also got a Brazilian Ipanemian  dry tree process. I had a taste of some other girls from Ipanema and was not to impressed, hopefully this tastes a little better. 

This time I got myself two packs of the filters, vowing that I will never run out of chemex filters again. Coffee from anything else just does not taste the same. Once you go Chemex, you can never g.... ummm  Shit. I guess that saying just does not work unless you can think of something to rhyme with chemex. I can't think of anything. Can You?

Anyway, sorry this post does not have any "porn" theme, next one will, I promise. I got myself a new FoodSaver to help keep my coffee fresh. I know I can think of something dirty about that. 

fun bags,

 

Got me a new arrival from the SM shop yesterday. A big bag of pleasure you might say. it is full of the Rwanda Gkongoro Nyarusiza, A coffee so saucey that I just had to get it in the D-cup size bag. I plan to share her with my friends and even with some kinkier family members, but I have my doubts if I got enough of it to spread around(perhaps I should have gotten the EEE five pound sack, that one comes in its own canvas sack, which open up the door for yet another original photoshoot idea.  

This stuff is soo good, I sometimes thing I should of went for the full 50 pound sack. Something I can spoon with. 

It reminds me of the Tanzanian, perhaps a little lighter in its touch. It was definitely the stand out oth the little harem of bitches that I choose with it. Like some sort of hopped up Bret Micheals, I entertained the promises of all three of them, seeing which one gave me the most pleasure. The columbian proved to plain, and while the one from java could spice things up when paired with her BFF from Ethiopia, She failed to tantalize me on her own. In the end, it was the Rwandian that I kept coming back for to taste again and again. So I gave her the pass and let her on the bus for yet another go around.

Although, I could not just let her party with me alone. Daddy need to taste different fruits, I got me some Dark Sumatra love as well as a lighter skinned Burundi Kayanza Bwayi, who chaffs a bit too much but might prove delectable.  We shall see how these two do in trials of fire and water. 

 

It is going to be one hot week. 

water sports

 Got my little green beauty a little wet today, giving her a small golden shower, her second one this month. Okay, so the shower is not really golden but blue in its hue, but I can tell you for sure that it was not just plain old water (we will do that next week)

The little one is looking like she is fitting it, but I can tell she does not like the cold weather as much. Being from a tropical area, she seems to like it hot and a little steamy and I do my best to make things both Hot and Steamy as much as I can. When I take a hot shower I leave the door open and I also talk to her and tell her how hot she is and how even hotter she will be once she bears fruit. 

She is going to make one fine MILFP (mother I love to french press) indeed and when she does (in about five years) She is really going to be into the WATERSPORTS needing much more that a small drizzle of the good stuff. 

ebony hotties

My photographer, Pierre Van Bundy, had a difficult time getting a good shot of these four ebony beauties that I happened to spot on my countertop. My feelings are that he probably should of had better equipment than a crappy cell phone camera, but then again he was the pro and his portfolio was pretty damn impressive. He  had me hold these four found hotties in my hand and quickly  snapped a photo, then messaged the photo to me. I like the positioning that he did because if you look at it long enough you can see both a penis and a vagina. It was Definitely worth the bottle of expired pills that I gave Pierre for it. 

The three beauty's to the left are from Columbia (Huila Valencia 1 Star). While they can be a bit plain, they can help pass a morning. The one on the left, I believe  is a maudlin island girl from Java (Organic Kajumas) who is a little darker than usual ( although the lighting does not really show it well) but she could also be a wild tasting Ethiopian, since those two are found together like sugar and spice. Judging from her size though, I think she is a mild Java girl.   

Got me a young one

Take a look at that sweet, nubile little thing. So green and full of potential. My hot ass girlfriend who likes to indulge my passion over all things coffee, purchased this sweet young thing for me and surprised me with it.

When I walked in, there she was, on the couch with my gf. Resting on her lap. I had trouble hiding my excitement as I went up to both of them. It was not long before some serious planting was being done.


Sure it is going be challenge, and I am am going have to be patient. She won't be giving up any cherry for four years. But I am a patient man. When she is ride, I will take her cherry and then brew some serious homebrew. Until then I will just watch and wait.